Schmutzie has invented a way for people to get through the day without yanking their own or the people close to them’s hair out*. It’s called The Harmony Branch™ and it is genius.

I want an order of 20. Mostly, I want to pass them out to the parents that pick up their kids from school. The ones that, you know, have to back into the space and place the direction of the front of the SUV in the optimal trajectory for a speedy and rude exit. Positioning is everything to these parents. They are usually wearing turtlenecks** and having the 4-year-old in the front seat next to them practicing the violin from John Thompson’s Level Five book. Which is piano, but these kids are special and geniuses and can translate from piano to violin on the fly.

I sound so catty which is why I really need an order of 20 of those The Harmony Branch™es. I need to put them everywhere in the house and about 5 in the car. But I don’t think they are going to help me with the loss of my camera.

*I am totally aware that not only is it improper to make ‘them’ a possessive but the entire sentence structure is rather odd and illegal. Sorry, Mrs. Beesley, but it flowed off the tongue and dripped onto the keyboard.

**I wear turtlenecks all the freakin’ time. Why am I choosing them as a point of contention in this case? I have no idea. Maybe I wish I could play the violin.

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6 Comments

  1. I remember those John Thompson books! They were the bane of my existance for about 4 years until they were destroyed in a frek dog-mauling accident by our 13 year old toothless dog…

    I am curious if it goes against the principle of the Harmony Stick if you occasionally find it necessary to whack someone over the head with it…?

  2. Ah, I pick up kids, too, and I know the parents you speak of. Why all the bother? How important is it to back into that space and be ready to go if you’ve just come 30 minutes early so you have the “good” space? What’s a few more minutes? I just try to ignore them and focus on the only cute dad in the lot to pass the time.

  3. Yes, I need some of those branches. In order to knock some sense into the SUV bitches. I have taken to calling them the “Stepford Wives” around my very small community. They are mean to me on the playground. They can tell that I am not “one of them” and they want to rid the evil in me that isn’t “cookie cutter”.

    I am the misfit amongst them on the playground with my two barefoot boys, that I let play freely without worrying that they’ll get hurt every 3 seconds. And my big dog that looks like they’ll eat their children but really just wants to play tag and lick them, and oh yeah a dog who shits. The horror!

    I feel much better now, thank you 🙂

    Hell, just the IDEA of a harmony stick is soothing.

  4. schmutzie – i hope you get rich. PaintingChef has a question for you (see above) and frankly, i can’t wait to read the answer.

    ewd – exactly! what is the hurry at that point? and where are the cute dads? send them over here.

    piglet – your dog shits??

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