…..except the kids weren’t with me. Besides that, it really was the best birthday party I ever had. Good friends over, my boyfriend cooked enchiladas for me and all the guests, my roommate reminded me how to play the game ‘spoons’ that I had forgotten about since junior high school and it was so much fun playing it last night.
Notwithstanding, I still feel a little melancholy about turning another year older and not being anywhere close to who I want to be. I realize that ‘that person’ is a long way off and I remind myself of that when I get impatient. Patience is something I’m working on. All I can do is be someone that I want to hang out with. Since I am with myself 24/7, it’s important to like myself and want to be with myself.
Sometimes this is a hard thing for me. Sometimes it’s not. I think it depends on a variety of factors, all of which are hard to pinpoint or watch out for all the time, but I’m getting better at identifying problem areas.
I’m still trying to quit using the cancer sticks. I really hate them but have never been able to truly quit using them. Why? I believe in God’s power to help me overcome anything that hurts me in my life whether someone else is/has done it to me or I myself am/have done it to me. Why is this different? Why don’t I open myself up enough and have enough faith to let God carry this hurt away from me, too? Why do I feel the need to keep falling back on this bad habit? Why do I hurt myself? These are the questions that I ask. Not rhetorically….I expect answers at some point. I’m 32 and wish I had all the answers already, but alas, I’m merely human and a relatively young human at that, if you take into account that pre-flood, humans lived for hundreds of years. I’m practically an infant.
Yes, I seem to be struggling with the age issue…. 🙂
When done right, relationships are scary. They are intense. Wonderful. Comforting. Claustrophobic. Time consuming. Resource eating. Thought provoking. Patience trying. Soul-search-instigating. Deer-in-the-headlights-petrifying. Clothes-fresh-from-the-dryer warming. Finding-your-best-friend-in-1st-grade identifying. Hearing-mom-bustling-in-the-kitchen comforting. Roller-coaster thrilling. Bad-equilibrium balance-upsetting. It’s absolutely fascinating.
I miss my kids. I’ll see them this weekend.
quick recap for the kids:
it was so awesome to get to talk to you all for a second on my birthday nite and wish it could have been longer, had a fun birthday party and wished you could have been there, remind me to teach you how to play spoons, i’m getting older all the time and trying to act my age, still working on liking myself and DON”T EVER START SMOKING……
so much love,
mom
Leah. I’ll be praying that you find yourself in a space that you can kick the cigarette habit.
You aren’t lacking in faith. Don’t give in to self-recrimination like that. God loves you and will be with you each step of the way as you create a way of living that allows you to be healthy and happy. If you never quit smoking until the day you die, God is with you, loves you and moves in your life. Your faith isn’t contingent on whether you kick the smoking thing. The biggest downside to smoking is that that it could possibly limit the life you can live for God… for your kids and for your loved ones. It’s the same for me and my overeating. I’m not as able to be who it is that I want to be in this world tied down by this extra weight. I’m working on it… as it is out of integrity for me to be overweight. I just feel that it doesn’t serve me, my life and what I want to do in my life.
Anyway, this isn’t as eloquent as it might be. Bottomline, be gracious with yourself.
PS – Happy Birthday! 🙂
Janece,
Thank you so much for your kind and uplifting words……I needed to see them today. I always know that God loves me but I sometimes forget to love myself.
L.
Yes mom. You need to kick those ciggarettes in the butt. Har har har, I made a funny!
Luv Ya and Happy Birthday!