Reality TV and Other Nonsense with No Segues

I’m hooked on Wife Swap. Holy cow. Watching someone for an hour get dropped into a brand new element to see what happens? People experiments! Yea! Devon and I always make bets on which mom is going to cry first. I can just hear the cackling going on in the board room at the station where they decide which moms trade with whom.

“Hello New Family! I’m from a highly Christian and religious family. You are devil worshippers? Wha…?”

Crying ensues. Don’t they know going in that they are going to get messed over? It’s kind of the point of the show. Watching it reinforces my theory that people just want to stay in their comfort zone, even if it really sucks on many levels, simply because they know it.

And directly afterwards is Super Nanny. I love Jo. She kicks so much butt in so many ways. My kids are way older than the kids they always work with on the show but I don’t care. I tune in to see her mastery anyway but mostly to hear her say, ‘That is not assep’able!’ And this season, she gives out tips! For free! Because, the naughty spot could be here or here or here! It could be everywhere!

Last night, she had the pleasure of meeting and roping in T-Rex and Godzilla. I’m not kidding. Put a mic in front of those two little boys, add some steel-toe boots, electric guitar and black eyeliner and you’ve got yourselves the beginnings of a stellar moshpit. The entire time the boys were on screen and saying/screaming anything, they were represe’in Glenn Danzig in a fine, fine way.

I’m a notorious commercial muter.* I know, right? I’m totally ruining the way our economy works when I turn down the Pepsodent lady and her freshly sticking molars. One of the benefits is that you get to make up whatever you want them to say. It can be quite fun even on your own but in a group of odd people, it’s truly awesome. I don’t have an example to tell you because they were way funny and then left my brain. Try it out and make up your own.

One commercial that kept coming on was for the new inventor show, which spurred a whole new conversation group between Devon and his friend T.

“I can’t see very well on the sides of my head.”
“Dude, I don’t think you’re supposed to.”
“Yes. It’s called peripheral vision.”
“I know what peripheral vision is, dude. I just don’t think you are supposed to see on the SIDES of your head……but that would be cool.”
“Let’s invent that!”

I’m sometimes critical. I admit it. But am I the only one that is annoyed when people begin their sentence with ‘to tell you the truth’ or ‘honestly?’ I have to wonder, what are you telling me the rest of the time, huh? You sound untrustworthy right off the bat and I no longer want to talk to you. Unless I get to ask you what you speak the rest of the time at which point you get annoyed and walk away, mumbling to yourself, ‘Honestly!’ in disgust.

A long time ago, like, maybe 3rd grade or so, one of my teachers at school was a genuine hippie. She was so great with her straight dirty-dishwater blond hair that went to her butt and her super high-waisted jeans that belled out over her tan cork-heeled clogs. She brought her guitar in and taught us to sing ‘You Light Up My Life‘ because ‘it is such a beautiful song – with – real beauty, you know? So, sing it like you understaaaaaand that beauty.’

Rollin’ at sea, adrift on the water
Could it be finally I’m turning for home?
Finally, a chance to say hey,
I love You
Never again to be all alone

I mean, what is weird about 3rd graders singing this song? Nothing. She also brought in edible flowers. Yes. Flowers that we ate. It was so cool in 3rd grade to eat flowers. I saw a pack of them the other day at Whole Foods and I was all ‘Hey! Edible flowers? I want them!’ So, I got them and ate them. And now I know that I much prefer the idea of edible flowers than actually eating them. Mostly because, well, they taste like flowers which is more something for me to smell in the yard and less of something to be in my mouth with the tomato. The Snapdragons have a slightly spicy/cinnamon taste. The Violas taste just generically floral but the Dianthus (baby carnations) were so strong that I was forced to spit out that bite which included an awesome green olive. It hurt my feelings. No more flowers in my mouth.

*Except for when I’m in the mood to watch only commercials and tune out the show. It happens.