Possibilities

Where do I go from here? I can do anything I want. The possibilities are endless. This scares me the same way Super Wal-Mart scares me and (besides them being evil) why I don’t go there. I don’t want isles and isles of choices. I want 3 different kinds of blenders to choose from. I can handle that selection. But give me two isles of blenders from the itty, one cup version to the mongo, party sized one that also doubles as a cappuccino maker and Slip-n-Slide, I freeze. Too. Many. Choices. My brain shuts down and I stand there, drool slowly dripping out of the right corner of my mouth and a shhoooooooo noise emanating from my person.

If you could do anything you wanted, what would you do?

This is the question doing brain things inside my head.

Joe is very happy with his new employment situation. I think I was hoping in a very small and selfish way that he would go for a week to a place far, far away, commuting and hating the heat, working for much less money per hour and then tell me, ‘Gee, honey, I really miss working with you. I had no idea how good we had it. I’m going to come back and work with you again and really give it my all this time!’ This has not happened. In fact, he is flourishing. He is working harder than I’ve ever seen him work. He has so much determination to get things done that I forget I was upset. But then I remember. But that is just my own shit and has nothing to do with him. Him? He’s doing great.

So, what do I want to do? I’ve been a fulltime artist, photographer and writer. I’ve been a fulltime Project Manager and Project Director. (Those must be capitalized?) And then I was a fulltime Web Developer and partner. Now I’m doing lots of those things part-time and really missing the connection of Doing Something.

I realize that anyone at any time can decide to change their life and vocation. Anyone. Any time. However, this break and subsequent vocation change has been thrust at me. Have I mentioned I’m a planner? I did not plan for this. I plan when to change the lint screen and when to rotate the socks. I am unprepared! Maybe this is bordering on mid-life crisis. It must be time to get my nose repierced, get a new tattoo and chain smoke cloves while reciting bad prose I wrote people-watching at the Getty.

I’ve been working on other people’s projects for years. Now I would like to work on my own. But I feel like I need a person, a sounding board, a partner. Someone that listens to my ideas and tells me that it sounds like a bunch of crap. Or not. Someone that tells me their ideas and we work on them together. Someone that wants to work in online networking. Someone that has some design skills and programming skills to compliment my own. Someone that wants to work with me. I don’t feel qualified to do everything on my own and I miss working with other people. And Leah just sitting and stewing in her own juice all day does not make a sweet stew.

At some point, Joe and I said we would be all of those things for each other. We would be a Power Couple and work together and build something great. Really great. It’s hard to let go of all those ideas and feelings. I’m sad about that. But working together has not been good for Joe and I. I’m a perfectionist. He’s not. I have a driving need to get work done at a rapid pace. He does not. We even have different definitions of integrity. As it turns out, we aren’t the same person. Who knew? In short, we drove each other crazy. And even with not having a car all day, since we only have one and he uses it to commute to Far Far Away, I feel better. The energy in the house is clearer. When he comes home, he doesn’t have to feel like he’s still at work and I don’t feel like I need to ask him where he’s at with a million different projects. If he wasn’t so tired from getting up so early and coming home so late, I’m sure we’d have lots to commiserate about. Weโ€™d cuddle and laugh. Heโ€™d rub my feet. Iโ€™d tell him the funny thing our pet spider plant did and heโ€™d use the anecdote with his colleagues the next day around the water cooler. It would be good times.

The kids are around for the next week or so and there really isn’t anything to be done in the Figuring Out The Future venue while we are ‘vacationing’ together. But the thought sits there, in the director’s chair with ‘Leahpeah’ written on the back, at the fore.

20 Replies to “Possibilities”

  1. whew!

    I was really worried there for a while that something happened to your relationship that was very negative. Since I’m teetering on the brink of that reality myself, I am rooting for all couples to find the strength to “work it out” because I desperately need role models of “working it out” rather than “moving on”. Anyway – I would think that running a business with your life partner would be hard, especially if you are so different. I know that if I tried to do that with mine, we would no longer be life or business partners. We are too different.

    I have to say, as a viewer of your blog, and partaker or your story, I would think that you could do anything you want. You are creative, brave, and you have ingenuity. I am sure that there is a “fit” for you in the money making world. I just wouldn’t want you to be stalled in finding it because you “feel like I need a person, a sounding board, a partner. Someone that listens to my ideas and tells me that it sounds like a bunch of crap. Or not. Someone that tells me their ideas and we work on them together. Someone that wants to work in online networking. Someone that has some design skills and programming skills to compliment my own. Someone that wants to work with me.” Because as a voyeur of You… I would think that you can do it all by yourself. Hope you don’t mind the comments from a watcher.

  2. phew.

    i work at a small software company and there are FOUR husband & wife couples here. and i have no clue how they do it. granted, i am only 22 and am not married but instead boyfriended for the past 2.5+ years, BUT seriously, i would go insane. and it wouldn’t take long either.

    i just can’t imagine waking up with someone, going to work with them, working all day with them, having lunch with them, going home with them, having dinner with them, and getting into bed with them, every. single. day. i think it’s important to have a little space. plus i’m pretty sure we’d run out of things to talk about. except work. and while i suppose it’s nice to have someone you love be able to really understand you when you bitch about “that one guy” or “that project whose rules keep changing” i see it as more a potential to deteriorate into boredom. and that’s the danger zone.

    anyway, from my perspective, i give anyone who can work with their spouse day in and day out for any length of time serious credit, even if it doesn’t turn out all perfect in the end. you both can and will be happy. that’s what lovin’ is all about ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. I really hear that this amazing choice and freedom has taken you by surprise. And not in a great way…..and I really believe that is Ok. I trust that you are aware and working through it, hence the great post. And I find myself excited for you and thinking this is a very juicy delicious yummy choice to be getting to make. I so look forward to seeing what becomes of it all.

    congratulations on your growth, on your own and as a couple. my favorite thing about you besides your writing is your willingness to practice what you have learned and be responsible for your shit. Not many people can actually walk the walk, my friend. And you do it with style, baby!

  4. holy shnikes, the wife and I would murder each other if we spent every waking hour together… the reason we’re together is because we’re each independant (and busy) … we see each other for maybe 3 hours a day during the week – not by choice! Between full-time jobs, her master’s program, the gym, running, and my skatepark addiction, the most we see of each other is a couple of collapsed, exhausted corpses at 6PM.

    Glad you guys worked it out!

  5. Like everyone else, work time apart from my spouse is probably the healthiest thing for us! It is hard bc we are on almost opposite schedules and do not see each other more than an hour or 2 at night IF I come right home at 5PM. I too am glad the posts recently were about this and not “should I stay or should I go”. It was hard to tell in some of them!

    P.S. Please tell Lisa from the first post that I have a MAJOR I wanted to dump his ass and leave him story but instead we worked it out and I am so glad we did saga I can share with her if she wants to email me.

    If I could do anything I want (and money was no object) I would own a little book store by a little stretch of beach that also sold coffee and bagels and had a place where people could sit and read their books and have their dogs with them.

  6. I don’t know what I want to do either. No idea. I panic about this quite regularly, truthfully. I spent a lot of years doing a big corporate career and recently left and now I’m…panicked. Just panicked. I want to write, then I see how many great writers there are and all the books that are devoted to helping people get there because it’s THAT FREAKING COMPETITIVE and then I freeze and just stare at the wall and do nothing instead of writing.

    Which is, categorically, unhelpful and stupid. How’s that for a detailed answer?

    But I do think that the world is yours to figure out and that it will be good. At the same time, like you, I am offered/faced with the same choices by the grace of my husband. And it’s a lot more overwhelming than you’d think, isn’t it?

  7. My husband really wants us to write some children’s novels together (but not giving up our day jobs). I worry because of how different we are – just planning vacations involve a lot of stress! I am very happy that we work in different fields so that we will never have a job together.

    As for changing careers – that is what I am doing right now. I feel enough panic that I want to throw up or go comatose in front of the space channel. After all the challenges you have been through I have no doubt that you will find a good business partner/mentor to make this work for you.

    Enjoy the week off from “figuring it out”.

  8. I always like to throw out a “the grass is always greener” point of view…but just think, you could have a house of 4 kids age nine down to two. Talk about limited options! ๐Ÿ™‚ HeeHee. I really wonder what great things I’ll do one day when my kids are more self-sustaining.

  9. I totally agree with you about missing “Doing Something.” Who wants to labor endlessly unless it is amounting to something of greatness? I hear in that statement a desire (need?) to create brilliant things, and a hope that someone will (oh, by the way) pay you enough to live on at the same time.

    Sometimes I want to go to one of these large job fairs and rent my own unit (instead of walking aimlessly booth to booth) posting wild displays of my work, creative resumes, outlandish music, and wear clothes that amount to a clown’s tuxedo, with business cards that are four feet wide. The banner over top would read “Patron royalty requested. Great and substantial creative works done for free, beautiful living accomodations expected.”

  10. The shrink says: sit with the indecision. See what comes up. Don’t make plans or act decisively…I’ve been in your situation at several times in my life for several reasons. If you have the patience and strength not to rush to fill the void, something organic will emerge.

    Sorry for soundy so shrinky and new-agey!

  11. Hey Leah…. you’re the one usually offering me great advice. This time I’ll give it a shot.

    1. Don’t give yourself this deadline of a week or whatever. Figuring It Out takes as long as it takes. I’m pretty sure it actually takes your whole life, and maybe even the next one.

    2. You can change your mind at any time. If you set out on a path and if it is not working, change course, go back and start again, or take that fork to the left, or to the right.

    3. And if that doesn’t work out, see No. 2

    I would encourage you to spend some time looking over your blog posts. I think you’ll find that you already know the answer…. now what was the question? ๐Ÿ™‚ hang in there. This is exciting stuff, you’re embarking on a new adventure! and BTW, Joe (I’m pretty sure) can still be your sounding board, as you can be his. And you have this venue too, and lots of friends online and off who can be your sounding board as you choose.

  12. Leah, I have only come to know you through your blog the past month or so, but I am looking forward to hearing about you “Working Through It” both online and through the Traveling Blog Journal.
    Know what? I am at a point where I am in a standstill, so to speak, as well. It sucks. You feel so many emotions, I know. For instance, I have this wonderful piece of paper saying I can be an English teacher, yet I am unemployed so far for the next school year. Reason being? I refuse to be some administrator’s puppet – I stand firm on being my own person, whom students seem to love, by the way. This pissed administrators off and they don’t want me around. Too bad is how I feel about it one day, then when I am down on myself over it, I question my abilities and if it is the “right” job for me. It sucks. That is pretty much what sums it up. Like, “What the hell am I supposed to do with myself and my life.” I hear ya, sister.

  13. I’m with you on the awfulness of Super Wal-Mart, but strangely I can tolerate Super Target. I think it’s because they don’t make their employees wear TUNICS, which I always find ESPECIALLY sad on those old people greeters who have to stand at the front and ask you if you need help finding those two aisles of blenders.

  14. Awww, girl…
    This is rough, and I know it is. When I found out that I would never walk again without crutches, I wanted to D-I-E!! Just as I was about to attempt suicide by eating eighteen Coffee Crisps in a row, a though occurred: “You always wanted to write, now, God gives you the opportunity and time to write and you are devastated by it?? What the hell gives??” That snapped me around in an awful hurry. I’m getting that you miss Joe, and that’s a positive thing…it shows you love him. You are incredibly talented, funny and good hearted. You are connected to your spiritual side, and have learned how to get the most out of life by utilizing that connection. You’re grounded (even when you don’t think you are) and honest (even when it hurts to be.) This too shall pass. I promise you that. Soon enough, you will leap out of this funk with a total “EUREKA!!” moment, and wonder how it could have taken you so long to see it.

    LeahPeah…you’re the best. I come here for my daily dose of wisdom and compassion. No matter what happens, you’ll take the world by storm and make it happen for LeahPeah. Chin up and eyes forward, girl. This is the start of something big, not the end of something wonderful.

    All our love,

    Colleen & Puddin’.

  15. get that nose repierced, get that tattoo, smoke them cloves. you don’t have to have a crisis as an excuse when you’re already a badass. And your projects (and your vision) sound like they are worth some time and effort.

  16. Choice and freedom are scary. If I could do anything I wanted I would spend at least a few months freaking out that I might want the wrong things or do the wrong things. The things you’ve already done are so amazing–I can’t see any way that something incredible and creative won’t come out of this freedom you have. I wish I had some great words of wisdom so I could say “first you do x and then y and then z happens.” Like: first you meditate, then you get your astrological chart done and then you think of something really brilliant in the middle of the night. But I have no doubt you’ll get where you want to be.

  17. Hey found you off of milkmoney. Nice B&W’s. Moshay, good stuff. Come to VOX!
    I’ve an extra invite kicking around, email if you’d like it.

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