I took Alex to see The Lake House. She liked it. I was a little bored since this was the second time I’d seen it. Although, that didn’t stop me from crying a little but that probably had more to do with my hormones and less to do with Keanu’s touching moment. The movie is pretty predictable and I knew what was going to happen about 5 steps ahead of the action* the entire movie. I’m not really surprised.

The first time I saw it, I went with Joe. It was Friday night. And you know what that means. Alas, I forgot for a second that every single freakin teenager within a 20-mile radius would be at the theater just because it’s Friday night. But even when I saw them all milling around outside, gathering in herds and carrying out their mating dances, I just didn’t think they would be in MY movie. I figured they go see The Omen or Tokyo Drifting Crap or something else that didn’t have some slow parts in the middle. So, imagine my surprise when we walked in midway though the previews to see the entire place packed. Except for two seats in the very front row on the very right side.

As we sat down in the sea of young females, we exchanged looks and made a pact with secret codes so that in case of emergency, if he made the correct hand signal and eyebrow lifting sequence, I would know to drag him out and contact life support.

About 10 minutes in, I could feel my neck starting to kink. The view from the front row is VERY LARGE. The view from the front and very most right seats is VERY LARGE and VERY SLANTED and VERY TO YOUR LEFT. I slouched down in my seat to give my neck a rest, which worked pretty well as long as I didn’t move because the girl behind me put her feet up on the back of the seat and her black flip-flops caught my hair. When I moved my head upwards, I lost at least a one-inch area of hair. And that happened three times, even when I turned around slightly to give her my ‘GET YOUR FEET OFF THE SEAT’ face, which anyone knows, I totally mean.

And then she started sneezing. And sniffing. And I no longer cared what was happening on the screen that I couldn’t really see that well anyway. Remember that kid in 4th grade that sat across from you in the quad-desk setup? That kid that hadn’t learned how to blow their nose yet so they sniffed sniffed sniffed SNIFFED sniffed all through class? Yes. That kid. And it was she, behind my seat. And lo, I was so far passed getting pissed that I laughed.

Joe nudged my arm and showed me that in his right hand he was holding napkins and he kind of motioned like he was going to give them to her. And I nodded my head vigorously in support. He turned slightly around, thrust the napkins her way and asked, ‘Need these?’ because going herself to get napkins or asking her friends that were sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HER with some in their laps just didn’t occur to her. The girl said, ‘Thanks!’ very enthusiastically, which made me think that maybe she was just a little slow and it actually hadn’t occurred to her that her nose was dripping down her shirt and I should quit being so mean. And then all the girls giggled. And whispered.

I think we totally ruined her weekend. She was probably planning on sleeping over at her friends house and her friend was all, ‘You can’t come over now because the two old people in front of you gave you napkins! You are such a tool!’ or something that I can’t fathom because I think we all know that I really don’t know the lingo…..

An aside here: does anyone else think that Sandra Bullock is looking more and more like the long lost daughter of Joan Rivers? Did she do something to her nose?

*I use the term ‘action’ in the most general sense of the word where it means that something, anything is happening, like breathing or talking or tying shoelaces.

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  1. I loved the movie – I might finally be coming around to Keanu.

    RIGHT AT THE LAST FIVE MINUTES.. which you understand is the entire payoff of the whole damn thing…. the giggly teenage girls sitting down the aisle from me kicked in with the giggling and whispering and no amount of my “HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE” glare made them stop. I was about to start in with the vocal shushing, but by then the movie was OVER.

    So. Sympathy, I have for you.

  2. I can’t believe you saw it twice. Twice?

    I sat, last week, in front of the Audible Emoters.
    They killed the movie with their heavy sighing, soft ooooh-ing, and knowing hums.

  3. This is TOO funny. When we go see movies in the theater, which happens about, oh, twice a year now, we always avoid Friday nights. We forgot once about the Friday night Packs of Teenagers and it was a nightmare. Although even going at an all-adults sort of time, like 11am on a Saturday, we always manage to sit right in front of Annoying Laugh Guy. You know who I’m talking about. Not content to chuckle a little, he has to bust out with a braying hee-haw of a laugh at even the non-funny parts of the film. Sometimes I think I might have to move to Montana and become a hermit.

    (And the sniffing! There was a sniffer in the room when I took the SAT, and I almost had to stab them with my No. 2 pencil. SIX HOURS of sniffing. Ack! Kudos to Joe for giving her napkins and possibly ruining her social viability for good.)

  4. i wish you or joe was on the T with me yesterday! i sneezed right before i got on the T and then i did the sniffing thing, because in my entire giant “i absolutely need to carry all of this crap wherever i go” bag i had NO kleenex, or napkins, or anything. and i was sure i was annoying the hell out of the girl in front of me.

    then i realized i couldn’t take it anymore, it was grossing ME out, and all i had was the hankerchief my grandfather gave me at my grandmother’s funeral in november. i didn’t want to ever use it again, i just wanted to keep it the way it was, but i couldn’t take it anymore. i blew.


  5. There’s no shame in using a handkerchief. It’s there for the incidentals!

    I felt a little funny interacting with the teen girl squad, but heck, I had extra napkins, and that girl clearly had a problem.

    I think I may officially be an adult. My younger self probably would have gotten up in a huff and changed seats. This would only be after lots of angry leering at GirlSniffler.

  6. I SO agree with you about Sandra Bullock. That nose is definitely not the one she was born with. Hadn’t thought about the Joan Rivers thing but now that you mention it…

  7. Oh, NO: DON’T SAY IT’S SO. Sandra Bullock? I HOPE she doesn’t look like the long lost daughter of Joan Rivers.

    And, going to the movies is such an ordeal. These teenagers! I think I am officially becoming an old person, what with my distaste for public teen orgies and tongue fests that I see EVERYWHERE I GO.

  8. Midnight movies are the worst. They always seem to contain the whoopers, cell-phoners, and talkie-talks. I know I’ve gotten old because I don’t just glare anymore, I actually point out the person and their problem. I am so not above telling someone to “shush” in the movies.

    And the sniffer? I had one in high school that sniffed, then SWALLOWED her own snot. It wouldn’t have mattered if someone handed her a napkin, she’d already destroyed her coolness with the swallowing snot thing.

  9. I so want to like this movie. I love Sandra Bullock, or at least the “idea” of her 🙂

    And, I totally fall for the whole “unrequited love” thing. The crushes I had, the pining, the bad poetry!

  10. Haven’t seen the movie, but I have a comment about your daughter. It’s rare that I see a person whose face so completely lights up and changes when they smile. The pictures in which she’s smiling just melt me! Her eyes take on a whole life of their own.

    From one mama to another…I love that smile of hers!

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