Hellothankyouforcallingsprintmynameislisaanditismyplea
suretoserveryouwhatcanidoforyoutoday.
(I can’t believe how hard my life sucks)

Uh…hi?
(I’m glad I’m not you but yea my phone is here)

How can I help you today?
(I SOOOO don’t want to help you)

I got my new phones and I’d like to unlock them please. Do I just need to hit the ‘un-loc–
(I’m a pretty intelligent person is my phone on yet?)

Ok? First thing I need to tell you is don’t touch any of the keys except for the ones I tell you, ok?
(All ya’all people out there that call me? You are idiots)

Ok.
(Huh?)

Ma’am – when I tell you the code to enter, please only enter those numbers and/or keys. Do NOT touch anything else or we will have to start all over with this process or worst case scenario, make you go into an Sprint store and have the phone reset. But only some of the Sprint stores can do it for you so you might have to drive quite a ways to find the right one, ok?
(If I wasn’t here to tell you what to do, you’d get all tangled up in the toilet paper when you took your morning pee and they’d have to send in a rescue crew)

Ok.
(I’m beginning to not like you)

Alright, here we go. Hit pound, pound, pound, 3 then 5 then 1 then 1 then 1 then pound.
(How many times do I do this a day? 500? .yawn.)

Ok.
(Slow the freak down)

Now scroll to the bottom and accept.
(Let’s get this over with)

What?
(Totally lost)

Scroll to the bottom and hit ACCEPT.
(Could this lady be ANY DUMBER??)

Um. I hate to tell you this but the display on my screen says ###35111# and there is no scrolling available.
(You confusing whore)

..Sigh..O. K. Here is what we are going to do. I am going to give you a series of numbers to try and we will see which one will work, okaaaaaay?
(My 5 month old neice is smarter than you)

Ok.
(If I could, I would stick a fork in your hand and yell DONE)

Enter 3 then 7 then # then 5 then 5 then 0 then #. Anything?
(She had to get it right this time)

Nope.
(What the hell?)

Ok. Try your social security number.
(Let’s just keep making her hit buttons)

Ok. Nothing.
(Do I smell nail polish? Are you drinking?)

Try your account number.
(SO. DUMB.)

Nothing.
(I hate new phones but I love the 2.0 megapixel camera)

Try just the last four digits of your account number.
(Just making them up now)

Nothing.
(And I hate new phone customer service reps)

Try the last four digits of your social security number.
(It might work, right?)

Nothing. Do you always have so much trouble with this?
(Are you really authorized to do this?)

Nope. Just when people can’t find the scroll.
(Or when people are dumber than a stick)

Um…..if there WAS a scroll, I would see it and then USE it.
(If you keep talking to me like that, I’m going to crawl through the phone and kick your teeth)

..SIGH…SIGHHHHHH..Ma’am, I’m going to transfer you to Technical Support, ok? I am not going to be able to help you.
(Here comes another one, Jake. Somewhere, a village is deprived of its idiot.)

Ok.
(Finally. Someone that can help me.)

It’s going to take about five minutes.
(Ha. Make her wait a little while I talk to Jake about going out this weekend.)

Shit.
(Shit.)

..lovely elevator music..

Hi. This is techical support. Is your phone on? Do you know where the power button is? What numbers have you previously tried?
(I wonder when I’ll have enough money saved up to buy that rad iPOD?)

Are you kidding me? Yes, the phone is on because it just happens to be a skill of mine to be able to turn on a cell phone. And I have no freaking idea what numbers we have tried.
(DUDE.)

..sigggggghhhhhh….OK MA’AM. WE ARE GOING TO TRY SOMETHING. PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR PHONE IS ON AND THAT YOU CAN SEE THE DATE AND TIME.
(I am wasting my time at this job. I belong somewhere where people appreciate me)

Dude. I can hear you fine. I can see the date and time.
(Seriously. !!!!)

Ok. OPEN THE PHONE which will expose the NUMBER. KEYS. Please do not touch ANY OF THE KEYS until I TELL YOU TO. When I tell you the code to enter, please only enter those numbers and/or keys. Do NOT touch anything else or we will have to–
(My high superiority is legendary at the Trekkie Conventions)

Okaaaay.
(!!)

Now, PLEASE ENTER POUND pound 2 then 4 then 1 then 1 then 4 then Z then @ then ZWC then ^^%$# then 5 then pound. DID YOU DO THAT?
(Heghchaj bajpu’ ralwI’pu’)

Yes. And can I just say that as fun as this has been, and as much fun as it is to hear you talk to me like I am deaf, dumb, mute, in a coma and reading at a 1st grade level, THERE IS NO SCROLLING AVAILABLE.
(You have no idea what you are talking about, do you?)

What does your display look like?
(Must I explain even the most basic of things?)

##24114Z@ZWC^^%$#5#.
(##24114Z@ZWC^^%$#5#)

Shut your phone. (This)
Ok. (This)
Turn it over. (Sucks)
Ok. (Sucks)

What model number do you have? The V1-2300, right?
(Am I golfing this weekend?)

Are you looking at my account right now?
(Holy Cow)

Yes.
(Wha…?)

And you are showing that I have a V1-2300?
(YOU DON”T SEE THAT DO YOU!)

..pause.. No. What type of phone did you get?
(sssssssssssssssssssssss)

The MM-A800.
(I wish I could see your face right now. My coffee is SO far away.)

Oh.
(Is this call recorded?)

Let me tell you what I see on my MM-A800. I see a little word in the bottom left hand corner of the display that says ‘UNLOCK’ which I believe if pressed would let me enter one of your codes and SCROLL. Do you think I may be right? Do you think it may be FINE to TOUCH the BUTTONS on my PHONE without your permission? MAYBE?
(You are such a %@^%$&*&^*er)

Yes. Why don’t you go ahead and hit that button and tell me what you see.
(I need to read the memo about the MM-A800 )

I see a place to put a number and a way to scroll.
(Monkeys would be better at your job)

Oh. Well that is great.

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7 Comments

  1. Thank you SO much. I laughed until I nearly peed myself AND woke my daughter from her nap when I got to the Klingon translation.

  2. I am in touch with that emotion! I just spoke with a state park reservation “specialist” who told me she had “2 spots open, but one was already occupied, and I probably wouldn’t like the other one, but I could try it if I wanted”. Duhhh.

  3. I have had nothing but problems with cell phone companies. My fiancĂ©’s phone was not working, so I called them and told them I wanted a new phone. I was told it was out of warranty. I said, ‘but it’s never worked, I want a new one’. After they finally agreed to send me another phone, they said that it might be refurbished. I said no, I wanted a new one. If I did not get a new one, wrapped in plastic and full of new phone smell, I would put myself into the return UPS overnight envelope and send myself to them and they would have to deal with me in person. Not only did he get a brand spankin’ new phone, it works perfectly. I bet you ten bucks that every time someone from customer service opens that account, they pee a little when they hear my voice on the other end.

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