Do you ever have that dream* where your teeth fall out? It doesn’t hurt or anything and you don’t bleed but you suddenly spit a tooth out into your hand and go, ‘Hey! There’s my tooth.’
I’ve had that dream now and again over the years. The most recent time was a few months ago and it was in the middle of the day about an hour south of Las Vegas. Oh, and it wasn’t a dream. It was REAL LIFE. Oh yes. All it takes is a piece of red licorice and a loose crown for you to have your own fun time. I’ll set you up, if you want. Just give me a call. One second you’ll be playing travel-sized Battle Ship with your son (and kicking his butt, heh) and the next you are a brick-wall silent-type shell of your former self as suddenly, you feel a squarish, hard, tooth shaped object rolling around in the licorice. In your pause, your mind is saying, ‘Did I eat teeth? I don’t remember eating a tooth. Why does my licorice feel like a tooth?’ and things like ‘Am I bleeding? Nope. Huh. Is it a tooth?’ and then ‘Dude. I guess I’ll have to spit it out in my hand to see.’ So, I did. And it was a tooth. And I sat there, staring at this tooth in my hand for about a full two minutes before I realized that if it was in fact a tooth, which it was, and I wasn’t bleeding, which I wasn’t, and it didn’t hurt, which it didn’t, I had to be dreaming. Wow, that took a long time to figure out. And then Alexandra pushed me to the side of the seat to make more room for her and the DVD player and her elbow in my ribs spoke loud and clear. I WAS AWAKE.
If this happens again, I’m sure it won’t take me 7 years to figure out that it is my crown. Big whoop-de-do. My crown. Just keep your mouth shut and don’t drink or eat anything or allow any AIR to get on your stubby toothlet until you can grab some Fixodent or you will be SORRY. Because, remember when I said it didn’t hurt? That was before I blinked or sniffed or….sat still and thought thoughts and breathed. Because that all hurt. And then putting the crown back on with some cementy** stuff? Really painful for a really long time. And if you get the thought to gargle with some spicy mouthwash to cut down on the chance of any little germies, can I just say to you, with all that I am, don’t do it. Really. Bad. Idea.
*Dreams of having teeth fall out are said to sometimes represent we are afraid of losing parts of ourselves. I had dreams about teeth falling out off and on my entire life until I was integrated.
**And then Joe found me a less glorious version of this kit that contains a lot of things I didn’t need, which I carry around in my purse with me as if I was a virile young married guy on his honeymoon that wants to always be prepared in case he sees his wife.