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Daughter Time

My ex and I have the ‘every other weekend’ thing going. There are always exceptions but for the most part, it works. The boys come over Friday after school and hang out until Sunday afternoon. There are games and friends and all the usual suspects in the mix but it’s so nice having the home base be this home that I don’t mind any of it.

My daughter, on the other hand, can barely carve out an hour to come over when it’s my weekend. Her social schedule being what it is, it’s hard to find the time. But I get it. I remember what it’s like to be 17. Hell, I was getting married at her age and popping out a baby. So I try to just be thankful for any time I get to spend with her.

She doesn’t sleep at my home like the boys do. She opted a few months back to sleep only at her dad’s which hurt my feelings quite a bit at the time. But she promised to come over during the days and I know she does her best fitting me in between sleepovers and hanging out with her friends.

The interesting things is that when it’s NOT my weekend, I see her more. She makes plans with me to go to a movie or do something else together. For example, this past weekend, we got our hair and nails done and then baked cupcakes for school together AND watched a movie. It was a whole day spent together and I just wonder why it happens when it’s not my weekend. Does she want alone time with me? Does she need to rebel a little against the rules? Whatever the reason, I’m thankful for it. I’m so glad she wants to spend any time with me at all.

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Wet Brick

I repotted a few plants yesterday and then walked around the house like a crazy person, sniffing the air like a parched man drinks water, swooping down to the wet potting soil and damp pot itself. My all time favorite smell in the whole entire world is damp brick and soil and I’ve decided to repot the plants every week.

When I was pregnant, the craving to smell wet brick would sometimes get a little out of hand. For example, I once put a brick in a bowl of water and placed the bowl under my bed so I could smell it all night long. I sniffed and sniffed and then climbed out of bed to pull the bowl out and sniffed and sniffed some more. And then I fell asleep and dreamt about swimming in a pool made of bricks that smelled like heaven.

And then once? I licked it. Yes. I licked the wet brick because it smelled so awesome that my tongue wanted to play, too. And it tasted almost as good as it smelled and if it would have been possible, I might have taken a bite out of the brick. But I’m not crazy. At least not THAT crazy. Just crazy enough to imitate a snake and lick the brick, ok?

I realize that I may be missing some kind of mineral in my diet. I’ve heard of women eating soil and chalk when they are pregnant. That could have been me. But it wasn’t, ok? I ONLY LICKED IT.

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On Writing

I don’t have it all figured out. Far from it. I’ve been on the sending end of about a zillion queries that were carefully thought out and written. Of the handful of responses I’ve received back, only a fraction of those turn into real money so I’m no expert on how to make a living with your writing. I’m only making it because I’ve got a partner that has a steady income from a real job. My handful of articles, interviews and book essays don’t exactly pay the rent. But once you do start making money, how do you be smart about your business?

I occasionally get asked how a person can get published and really my only advice is quantity. i.e. the more queries you send out, the more chances there are that someone will pick up your idea and want you to run with it. And following directions. That is a big one. If they ask for three writing samples, send three, not two. If they want a resume in Word, send it in Word, not something else they can’t open and read.

Joe sent me this article which you may have already read, but just in case, I’m linking it here. Unasked-For Advice to New Writers About Money covers everything I could think of to tell someone starting out. Scalzi is decidedly on the high end of what a writer makes at over $160K last year but having paid his dues for many years before raking in the dough makes him someone with advice you should be listening to. Section 4, Your income is half of what you think it is, covers what might be the best information in the post along with sections 5 and 6 relating to credit cards and debt.

Just remember that credit cards are not your friends; their entire purpose, from the point of view of the bank that gives them to you, is to make you a consistent and eternal source of income, forever and ever, amen. If you want to be in economic thrall to a bank until the very moment you die, that’s your business, but it’s a pretty dumb way to go about things. Especially if you’re a writer, who doesn’t necessarily have a solid month-to-month income anyway.

I recommend that all writers read this post at least once. Then print out the good parts and write them on cards around the house. Like “You are likely to be surprised at how many things it turns out you don’t really need if you have to wait to get them, and can actually see the mass o’ cash you’re laying out for ‘em. And that’s all to the good for you.” and “Be willing and ready to write anything — but make sure that you’re making the attempt to make more than three cents a word off it. Because I will tell you this: If you only value your work to that amount, that’s the amount you’re going to find yourself getting paid. Over and over again.“

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Middle Age Feelings

I’ve started obsessing about things that I think shouldn’t be in my mind for another few years like how my knees are doing and my schedule of flossing. I mean seriously, I don’t want to live the rest of my life worried that if I chew wrong on my right molars that the cap will fall off and I don’t want to NOT chew on that side so much that my left side teeth get too worn down prematurely so I think about every bite I take and weigh the options carefully. And sometimes the meal just isn’t worth it, man.

My top lady parts have taken a decided sag southward and I have to keep special attention whenever I sneeze to make sure I don’t have to change my underwear. Aren’t these the things a 50-something should be worried about? I realize I’m on the far side of 30 but c’mon. I wasn’t quite ready yet.

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Misc. II

I’ve deleted and rewritten this post about 5 times now. I’m not happy with anything I have to say so I’d rather say nothing at all and yet I know how much writing helps me process things. I’m stuck. I feel a no-segue post coming on.

I came downstairs this morning and the kitchen was clean. Joe did it before he went to work and I was simultaneously ashamed and grateful.

I’ve received three books in the mail that have come with no notes of any kind. Anyone out there want to claim being the sender?

The kids were here this past weekend. At one point we had lunch at a local joint and it was easy, comfortable and fun. I liked that a lot.

I’ve been working on the video interviews that I took about a year ago. I need something more robust than Windows Movie Maker but not something so full-force that I can’t find my way around.

I have a meeting on Thursday that I’m very excited about. I haven’t felt so positive about anything in a really long time. Keep your fingers crossed for me, would you?

I’ve had the hiccups three times today. I can’t tell you the last time I had them. It’s been years. So I’d like to ask, why today, hiccups? And why three?

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Medication

I’ve been tired. 14-16 hours of sleep a day tired. I thought it had to be my thyroid but those numbers came back perfect. Not just good – perfect. Which kind of leaves depression as the only culprit. The only thing is that I don’t feel particularly sad. I’m not weepy. I just have negative drive or something. Like sleeping sounds soooo much better than anything else. Ever. And it’s such a drain to do anything like go to the grocery store or put away the clothes. My arms are heavy. My brain is not sharp. I’m dull.

My therapist says I need to go back to my shrink and tell her I need an increase in my medication. Only I don’t want to because I don’t want to be on ANY medication and getting on more sounds so awful and so sad that I resist. And sleep.

It’s funny how often I think I don’t need to be on meds. I think about it almost daily and decide that actually, no, I don’t need them. I take them because I choose to but I could get off them if I wanted to. And then I think, how about tomorrow? Tomorrow sounds good. And then tomorrow rolls around and I’ll mention something to Joe about how I think I might not, in fact, need to be on meds and it’s not until I see his face that I realize I’ve just done it again. I’ve talked myself out of medication when we’ve already decided that I NEED TO BE ON MEDICATION like, a million times.

When I go to to the shrink, I’ll think – this time I’ll ask her if she thinks I can get off my meds because I don’t need them anymore. Her response? ‘How many times are you going to ask me that, Leah? You’ve asked me that almost every time you’ve come in the past few months.’ And I don’t believe her because I swear I JUST HAD the idea this one time but why would she lie?

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The Great Interview Experiment

Neil from Citizen of the Month started The Great Interview Experiment which is almost 300 people strong at this point. I understand it’s still not too late to sign up so if you’ve ever had a hankering to interview or be interviewed, go leave a comment. My interviewer was Cog of Driving the Flies who came up with some great questions for me to answer.

Why do you blog?

I started blogging as a way to keep in touch with my kids. When I discovered about a year later that they didn’t actually read it, I had to reevaluate why I blogged and decide if I wanted to continue. I decided that I wanted to keep blogging and just write about whatever was going on as a way to keep a journal. Sometimes it’s hard to write when it feels like nothing is happening or only really hard things are happening, but I keep trying. I always appreciate being able to go back and see when things happened.

How many unfinished posts do you have stashed away?

I cleaned out my unfinished posts about a month ago and it’s now at 2 from about 16. I finally admitted to myself that I had no idea what most of them were supposed to be about anyway.

Do you have a guilty pleasure blog, one that you read just for fun?

I skim about 30 blogs every other day and they are all just for fun. : )

You have interviewed a wide range of people, and been interviewed as well. What is the question you’ve always wanted to ask someone but haven’t, or a question you wish someone would ask you?

I think I’ve always asked what it is I wanted an answer to. At least, I can’t think of any burning questions that I’ve been saving up. As far as someone asking me – I suppose it’s what is your favorite number. The answer, of course, is 7.

If you could have a single day in your life to live over, which one would it be?

Wow. I have no idea. It would be hard to choose from awesomely fun days and the hard days where I actually learned the most. Two that come to mind are the day I had my first baby and the day I went into the mental hospital for the first time. Both of those days were exceedingly hard and also so rewarding. The day I got married to Joe went so fast and we were feeling stressed and it might be fun to go back and relive that day minus stress and hurry.

Comfort food?

I’m a potato girl. Baked, french fried, mashed – add a little salt and I’m in heaven. At least until I remember how many calories I just ate.

For what do you wish to be remembered?

A lot of what I do is centered on removing the stigma from mental illness. I suppose I’d like to be remembered as someone who helped that cause a bit.

What about someone’s blog dances on your last nerve?

I try to blog and let blog. Everyone has their own idea of how they want their online home arranged so there isn’t really anything that gets on my nerves. And if something does, I just don’t go back there anymore.

Your issues with mental health are well-chronicled. Given that they are a big part of you, including the many noteable accomplishments, would you trade off the cycles if you knew it meant you wouldn’t have accomplished what you have?

I wouldn’t change anything except when it comes to my kids. And I think every parent has a whole library of things they wish they could go back and change. It haunts you when you know that you did anything that hurts your kids. But even though I sometimes stay up late at night wishing I could change something, just realizing that wallowing in that pain doesn’t bring any positive results helps me to move on. Usually. : )

What piece of music/album/playlist have you carried with you across media, that you had on cassette or vinyl, to CD and now to mp3 or other digital format?

This is so sad but the only 8-track I owned that made it to a cassette and then somehow made it to a digital file is Anne Murray singing Danny’s Song. Oh, and there was a Chicago 16 which made it pretty far, too. Today I’m in love with Regina Spektor, Feist, Kate Nash, Amy Winehouse and Medeski, Martin & Wood.

Are there too many bloggers?

Never. Always more room in the pool. You never know who might pick up blogging next and say things that really touch your heart.

If someone came to you and told you they wanted to start a blog, what is the most important advice would you give this person?

Write what you feel. Don’t start a blog as a way to earn money unless you’ve been around a few years and know how to do it and even then it’s going to be really hard. Be kind when leaving comments on other’s blogs – don’t ever say anything you wouldn’t want your mother to know came from you.

Thanks,
cog

Thank you!
lpc

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Celebrity Rehab

My latest television obsession is Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. It’s like watching Surreal Life and Intervention at the same time. The celebrities are mostly washed-up as far as stardom goes but most seem to really want to make a change in their life. The exception being Jeff Conaway whose slurred mumblings, seizures, DTs and vomiting spells STILL don’t create the fire under his seat to want to change. Also, the Baldwin brother drives me batty with all his creepy ‘I’m the therapist, too’ talk and guilt trips he tries to put on other people. It’s obvious he’s been to a lot of therapy and he knows how to talk the talk but he just doesn’t do it well. He doesn’t really know how to help people, he just knows how to make them feel guilty.

I watch Celebrity Rehab with the same fervor that I watch Intervention or any documentary on eating disorders – I’m reminding myself where I don’t want to be. I’m living proof that you can overcome addictions of many kinds and there is something about watching other people go through the experience that is so compelling to me. I think it’s the same kind of reaffirmation you get from going to AA meetings. It’s good to see people working to overcome and working through their shit.

Dr. Drew’s (who you may know from Loveline) approach reminds me of many of the good doctors and therapists that I’ve been lucky enough to know over the years. He’s straight to the point, no holds barred but all with an air of confidence that you can do it! He centers the patients within a few moments of talking with them and you can immediately see where the reality TV wears off and the real therapy begins.

So much of life (for many people) is avoiding real feelings and situations. And once you start avoiding with drugs or something else, the something else starts to take over and I don’t think you know when it stops being something you do ‘for fun’ and it begins to be something you can’t stop doing. But, one day, you wake up and can’t remember the last weekend or weeknight for that matter that you didn’t get high or get smashed or go home with a random stranger or a friend with benefits and you’re broke and broken and you start to feel in your gut that maybe, just maybe, your life is not really in your control anymore. And then you score some Meth or Coke and forget all about it for a few more hours.

Watching these sex, drug and alcohol addicts coming to a place where they can see how to make changes is absolutely fascinating to me. As is watching them backslide and then try again. I remember it all.

I have nights where I can’t sleep because I’m remembering some of those times where I was willing to do just about anything to score some drugs and I didn’t care who I hurt or what it cost me. I cringe and say some forgiveness affirmations to myself and I try to shut out the visual images in my brain and fall asleep. But usually, it takes a long time to move on from those thoughts to something else. My addiction times have really scarred me and I have no fail-safe way to really and actually forgive myself for all the damage I did. I know it’s not healthy to dwell on it and I know it’s not helping me. But I can’t figure out how to let it go.

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Fraud

We’re cleaning up after dinner and I get a text from Sprint. The text says ‘Here is your new temporary password’ followed by a string of numbers. I shrug and show Joe. He logs in online using the temp password and creates a new real one. Our fear? That possibly someone is trying to hack our phone account. We’re both a little bit concerned because we just got a piece of odd mail from sprint the other week showing someone else’s name on our account.

This morning I get a second text from Sprint. This one says ‘Please use this validation number to complete your registration/add phone process.’ Now I’m really worried because it looks like someone is trying to add a new phone to our account.

I call Sprint and wait for literally over thirty minutes for a guy in the fraud department to answer the phone and say ‘Yello!’ which was kind of a shock since I’m used to them answering with their whole I’m so-and-so can I help you thing. I explain to him what has happened. He cuts me off to tell me that no, in fact those texts are from Sprint trying to get me to log in online and create a question and a password to cut down on fraud.

Why, Sprint? Why couldn’t you just let me know what you were doing? Why are you texting me with 140 characters that don’t explain the whole process and your intent and freak me out? How about a phone call? Using, oh I don’t know, a Sprint phone line?

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Every Day I Write The Book

It’s so hard to write right now. I’m doing boring things like going to therapy and working on my feelings. I thought about slapping up another photo and calling it a day but then I thought I’d push myself and just see what happens.

I go to therapy every other week. This week we talked about creating some kind of schedule for myself. One of my goals is to get a job and contribute more consistently financially to my partnership but right now, the mere thought of having a job kind of makes me panic. Mostly because I’m currently sleeping about 14 hours per day. My thyroid medication needs to be upped and I get my blood drawn tomorrow. But even when that is taken care of and I’m back to waking up and going to bed at normal times, I still don’t have any kind of consistent schedule.

I’m also afraid to drive very far. Since I’ve been back on medication, something weird has been going on with my eyes and I can’t focus very well out of my left eye. It makes me skittish on the road and that is just not creating a very good driving environment. Additionally, crowds are still making me nervous and I don’t want to leave the house. I worry I’m becoming a recluse.

So, back to therapy – I’m supposed to create a schedule that includes getting out of the house for a good amount of time per day which means I have to drive and be around other people. I think it’s good to move past my comfort level and make some positive changes. It also scares me quite a bit.

I can’t get over this huge amount of guilt that I’m not earning enough money but because I’m not ready for a job yet, Joe is helping me be creative and think of other ways to contribute to our partnership. There are endless things to be done around the house but I don’t think of them right now. There have been times when I’ve been really up on things but right now is not one of them. So he’s going to help me make a list of tasks to be done around the house so I can plan them out when I’m making my schedule for the week. I’m hoping it not only keeps me on some kind of schedule but it also helps me feel like I’m contributing and assuages some of this guilt.

Man, this is probably a really boring post. But it’s all I have in me today. But really this is what is going on in my life right now. I’m relearning how to be a functioning part of my marriage and life in general. I’m kind of amazed when I look back at how I was even just a year ago, at how different I was. My last low manic phase really did a number on me and I hope to never repeat that kind of low depression again.