It's so weird for me…

It’s so weird for me to think that I can wear a pantsuit to work with a semi-low-almost-cleavage-showing blouse, drive my car, vote, live on my own, order my own lawn furniture, own a gun, start my own business, shave my head, wear military fatigues if I so desire but there is a woman in the year 2002 that is going to get stoned to death because she had a baby after she got divorced which means she must have had sex without being married. The man, incidentally, faces no charges because he simply said he wasn’t involved. Well, it’s a little harder for a woman to lie while a small human gestates inside her. I’m not going to justify having sex outside marriage. But surely, Amina Lowal doesn’t deserve to have her skull split open while being helplessly buried up to her neck in dirt. If you go to Oprah’s website you can sign a petition to help save her life. I did.

I don’t think I’m thankful enough for all I have. Even with no more than a few bucks in the bank to call my own and homeless, I have so many more rights and privileges than other people around the world. I stand/sit more thankful to our founding fathers and everyone that fights to keep our country free tonight than I was this morning.

Called my sister back tonight and had one of those mime-ing talks. Because of the lack of words, these never make very good phone conversations. I’m waiting for her to say something and I’m waving my hands around in the air trying to pull her words magically from the air. ‘So, You called me?’ I ask her. ‘Ummm…yes. I did.’ she replied. *pause* ‘SO. Did you need something?’ ‘Nooooo….not really.’ *longer pause* ‘Weeeeeelll, are you doing something right now?’ ‘Yes. I’m out to dinner with friends.’ *pause: shorter than the long but longer than the shortest* ‘Huh. Well. I’m thinking you’d like to talk to me about something but you want to do it later?’ I’m trying to read her mind…. ‘Right! So glad you called.’ >click< and that was that. I guess I'll just have to wonder what it was she wanted to talk about. I hate it when that happens. I'm so NOT patient. Thinking about getting fake nails again. I miss the comforting clack-clack on the keys as I type. quick recap for the kids:
be thankful you live in the united states and try not to whine so much, the phone makes a better conversation converter than a mind reader, you might find me with talon extensions on my fingers soon. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyoumorethanyoulovemeendofdiscussiontheend.

1st day of WORK!

So. I’m a real worker now. How ’bout that?

And my title is ‘loan officer’. I sound so…so…official. But today went great and I think I’ll be good at it.

Talked to two of my sisters tonight. That’s always fun. They are both trying to think of creative ways to help their little sister over this hard stump of a place while making sure that I’m not feeling like a charity case but still getting the things I need. The cash flow is low so Rhoda is buying some of my paintings. They are about a year old, left over and on her hands, taking up space in her home and now she’s going to buy them and actually own them instead of being nice and just housing them indefinately for me and so my car and insurance will be paid. And Laurel is going to pay my first few months of rent to I can finish training to be the official loan person that I was born to be and let me pay her back later. Who could ask for a better family?

Soon, I keep telling myself…..Soon. Then I’ll be back on my own two feet and able to pass the kindness around. It’s so much harder for me to be on the receiving end of the giving. I like being on top. 🙂

Reading a book called ‘The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club’ by Laurie Notaro. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone who doesn’t like to read about drunken escapades and she curses, so here’s a head’s up for my family who doesn’t like that kind of thing, but her writing style is humorous and is similar to mine. She is sarcastic and pokes fun at herself. Like me. She has a lot of things to poke fun of. Like me. I think we would be friends if we lived close enough.

Things are feeling up. I like that.

Quick recap for the kids:
i’m a loan officer, first day of work went well, didn’t wear either shirt mentioned yesterday but opted for a sleeveless one under a jacket due to the pain of the new tat, your mother is a charity case for the time being but not forever, i still read books just like i tell you to do.
much love, mom. XOXOXO

new tat

Today I got a new tattoo. I drew it and my girlfriend April put it on my upper right arm. She’s an awesome artist who also tattoos. Soon you’ll be able to view her work from my sight. I’ll include a link when it happens.

Learned something about honesty and forthrightness… can’t have that kind of relationship unless you both do it. One person making that effort just won’t cut it. It’s got to be a two way street.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a loft I went and looked at today. For some reason I picture a loft being up on the top of a building but apparently, it can be on the ground level, too, which this one is. But the space is SO me. If it doesn’t work out I’m sure I’ll find something else, but I really liked this place.

Missing my kids something fierce today.

Starting my new job in the morning. Going to wear my power shirt….red. Maybe. Or maybe the white….

quick recap for the kids:
new tat, yes it hurt like crap, love it, no you can’t have one till you hit age 21, honesty is a two way street, want the loft, love the loft space, miss you guys a WHILE BUNCH, no idea what to wear my first day on the new job. LOVE YOU TONS!!!

At my friend's house today in LA.

At my friend’s house today in LA. I’ve missed her. She’s a fellow artist and her work is so powerful! In fact, I’m using one of her pieces as the front cover picture on my book. And I’m trying to figure out how to include a few more of them somewhere inside the book. She doesn’t have a website yet, but one is in the works.

We went to a store called Walser’s and it is hands down the best art store I’ve been to in a long time. I’m like a kid in the candy store when I walk down in between the paper and colors…..i get these huge urges to buy one of everything.

It’s great to see old friends. I haven’t seen her in about a year but she’s one of those that you don’t have to see all the time even though you’d like to and you catch up in a few minutes and it’s like you saw them yesterday.

I start my job on Monday. I know I can do this real life thing.
My book proposal is almost finished and I have a few leads on publishers. I’m getting excited about it being finished. Finally.
I’m working on two seperate screen plays at the same time. It keeps life interesting.
And I like to drive even though my possesed car plays so many tricks on me. That concludes the thoughts for today pretty much.

quick recap for the kids: playing over at my friends house today, went to a killer art store where you know mom spent way too much money, nervous about new job on monday, still writing down all my weird thoughts and trying to make sense out of them, haven’t let the car win yet!
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My kids told me that they don't see me enough…


My kids told me that they don’t see me enough and wanted an update more often…hence the BLOG. Generally, I’m not someone who might type my life for the view of my children, let alone strangers. But, here I am. Typing. I found a job. I know, you’re all relieved to hear it. I know I am to have found it. It awaits to be seen, however, if it lives up to all it’s claims. The job has attached to it more hopes than I would have thought possible. The job makes it possible to finally move into the loft. The job will help me to buy my camera equipment back. And to have Christmas with my kids at my place this year. And to maybe get rid of my demon car. (I’ll explain about my possessed vehicle another time.)And to put some money in savings. And….and….and….. I hope the job can take all the pressure.

I’m finding it hard to be a real adult. I have to have a real job and have adult problems with money and people etc. I like it. I’m not used to it and maybe I never will be but I still like it.

Being divorced has it’s down side, like not having a date every weekend, whether you wanted one or not, to take you to Aunt Bertha’s barbecue or someone to blame for everything that made your day crappy or to take out the trash for you or to yell at when they don’t take out the trash for you….but it definitely has it’s up side like getting to spend 4 hours in the bookstore without feeling like you’re putting someone out and not buying ice cream because you just don’t feel like it and no one has a coronary.

But sometimes you can feel lonely and unsupported and FRAGILE.

I have a boyfriend. And yes, he picks his nose just like every other boyfriend out there. And no, I don’t find it charming or cute even though we are still technically in the honeymoon stage of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

But he does something that no one has ever done for me in my life before. He genuinely cares about how I feel and actually asks me quite frequently how I’m doing. I found it fascinating at first. In a specimen-under-the-glass kind of way. I wasn’t sure how to respond. But I’ve moved past that now and just enjoy the feeling of being cared for in this small way that seems huge to me now. I’m sure before long I’ll take it for granted and start picking my nose in front of him, too.

So. To my kids (who won’t want to wade through the long version):

quick recap i’m now blogging against my nature, hope you enjoy, found a job, hope i don’t die from it’s disappointment, glad i’m divorced, have a boyfriend, we both pick our nose, one out in the open and the other still in private, and he makes me feel special.

and i miss you tons. and i love you more than that. and…and…and…..