…but I’m not.
But I thought about it for a few hours and actually wrote it out.
Star 100.7 , a local radio station in San Diego, is having an open submission contest for their next radio announcer. Everyone is invited to send in cassettes or vhs tapes and try out for the position of ‘Supermouth’. I entertained the idea because I think it would be great to have an outlet where you can speak your mind and people listen. On the other hand, it brings with it a lot of responsibility and possible backlash. I don’t know if I’m brave enough to be in charge of those two things.
I tried to come up with things about me that would set me apart from the other people sending in tapes and didn’t come up with anything.
Here’s what I wrote. Imagine me in front of a boombox and trying to sound as if i didn’t write it down first:
so….i was trying to think of what i could say on this tape to impress you people and having a super hard time and then it came to me….nothing. there is nothing extra ordinary about me. i’m pretty much just like everyone else that’s going to send in a tape. except they probly sent in vhs tapes and i’m so poor i had to steal this used cassette tape from one of my roommates. i think i might be able to swing a cd from my other roommate and then i could give you a photo of what i look like. in fact, i could probly give you 3 or 4 photos and then you could click fast from one to the other and then it might seem like i’m really talking….or something….
anyway….back to the point. i’m average and unspectacular. i have a failed marriage, an ex-husband and some kids. i’m 32 now. i had my first kid about 2 seconds before i turned 18 which is almost legal….and i guess the doctor forgot to turn me to the off switch because i had three more kids in about 5 years or so. good thing my kids are so great. it could have turned out bad….
ok…what else… i have a boyfriend now. that’s what people do these days….they get out of an almost 14 year marriage and swear they will never date or get married again and then about 2 weeks later they have a boyfriend. it’s so weird! i totally didn’t mean to. and i seriously don’t mean to make him like me. i’m not sure how that whole thing works. he tells me he loves me at the weirdest times. like for instance, this one time, one of the kids used the bathroom and the toilet clogged…you know how they flush it and watch the water rise…..and watch it….and watch it….and then when the water starts to hit the floor they scream, ‘mom! the toilet’s broken!’ and you have a choice….either sprint up the stairs, pull a muscle or trip or both and be sorry for the next week or take your time because you know it’s already all over the floor anyway. i just plan on throwing away a few towels…3 or 4….because there is no way i want to wash them and save them….so anyway…the toilet is acting up, i stride in , pick up the plunger and start mashing and plunging and in walks joe , my boyfriend. i glance over my shoulder at him and say hey and he has this look on his face…this look like…i didn’t know what…and then he says, ‘wow…i love you, leah.’ so i stop in mid-plunge and start laughing. but he’s totally serious! i’m perched over the toilet with crap water splashed on my forearms and he feels more in love with me. i’m not sure what that means….
another time we were driving back from a family get together with my family and i had to go to the bathroom. huh. this story is bathroom related as well….weird….anyway, there were about 15 people dancing in a line, waiting their turn to use the one stall and i’m thinkingÉ..hey…i don’t want to wait in that long line and even if i did i bet the bathroom looks like tigger jumped all over the seat and floor and splashed poop everywhere so why go through that? i’ll just go behind the dumpster. joe couldn’t believe it at first until i explained that if he stood and guarded me on one side and the dumpster was on the other then only about a third of the cars on the freeway would be able to see me. soÉ there i am, squatting and trying not to fall over, which is such a great pose, and there is joe with his back to me and guarding the left flank and i’m concentrating on not getting anything on my shoes and he says, ‘wow leah, i love you SO MUCH. you are SO COOL.
i heard the announcement for supermouth and that it was a one year contract with the station and i thought ‘right on!’ that’s so great for me…i’ve done lots of things for about a year. let’s see…..i was an artist for awhile….i still try and pretend i am one sometimes. maybe i’ll put some pictures of those paintings on the disk with my face for you to look at.
i took photos for awhile. i shot some great sunset’s around southern california….i know that’s so original….at one point i couldn’t decide if i wanted to be the photographer or the model….i took some shots of me that are entertaining….wanna see those, too? i can put them on the cd. me trying to model…well, they really aren’t that bad…it was a couple of years, about 2 truckloads of anti-depressants and 30….35…ok probly 40 pounds ago…but i just look silly.
i pretended to be a writer for about a year and wrote over 700 pages filled with words about me and my life…i’ll probly have to find a semi-unconscious publisher to print it….and then that begs the question who would read it….
i did web design. i was really bad at it.
my latest thing is loan consultant. i actually have my own 800 number where you can call and hear my ‘robot-machine’ voice as my kids call it. i had my boyfriend, who actually is great at web design, fix my sad attempt and now i have a cool website with a little picture of my head floating above a house…i think it makes me look like a disembodied goddess or something…but i really do like doing the loan thing…
you know…i like to sing…i sing all the time….really loud. i’m not good, really, but i figure if i sing with enough enthusiasm that my lack of talent shouldn’t matter so much…but then my daughter will cover her ears and start to cry…so…i don’t know if that counts against me or not…
but i am a huge fan of music…and singers….well, maybe not a huge fan of the singers…it’s not like i’d sleep outside in a ticket line in the rain for 3 days or anything…..just to go to a concert when i could just stay home and listen to the cd?
….but, i’ve written fan emails before! like, i just wrote one about 3 months ago to the john mayer fan site…and i’m sure that one sunday night when he is bored with nothing to do he’ll read it and realize how great i am and want to send me free concert tickets and a backstage pass….and he’ll probly call me up on stage during it….you never know….
but i really feel like there’s a connection between you guys and me….i mean, i’ve called you before and asked you to do things and you’ve always played any song i requested…..and then one time, a guy that answered the phone asked me if i’d like free dining gift certificates….for no reason…and i was all…well, sure! i mean, who’s going to turn down free food? and then i forgot all about it because i’ve never really eaten at an ihop before…i’ve always been a denny’s girl…but then, like only 2 months later, this guy called me from the station and asked me if i remembered that i had those certificates and then told me he would send them to me since it looked like i wasn’t going to come in and pick them up anytime soon….i thought that was real sweet….
so, i was thinking, if you pick me, which i don’t know why you would since i don’t even like the way my voice sounds over the phone, let alone on the radio…on the other hand…this might be a great way to bug my ex-in-laws who like to pretend i don’t exist….
but anyway, if you picked me, i could maybe announce stuff, like, well…not the weather…i don’t really know anything about the weather…or sports…i mean, you could have me announce sports but it probly isn’t a good idea…but hey….if christina aguilera can sing phonetically in spanish, i guess i could do the same for sports…..
where i think i’d shine, though, is maybe a segment called ‘tips from leah’ and tell people things they shouldn’t do that i’ve done….like this: ‘hi. you’re listening to tips from leah. i once tried to make a casserole for my kids. i used most of the leftovers in the fridge. my kids refused to eat it, however, because it had beets, peaches and hamburger meat in it. The pastel pink color didn’t fly even though it was close to valentine’s day. don’t do that.’
how did that sound? i don’t know…some people might like it. it might stick.
anyway, i feel like i’ve been rambling for hours and i’d be real surprised to find out that you listened to this tape clear to the end. in fact, i think i should think up a code word and see if you know it if you call me. the code word is shnikes. i don’t think i spelled it right, but that doesn’t matter…i just have to hear you say it.
quick recap for the kids:
it was so great to have you this past weekend,i’m not going to try for the radio thing, hope you’re ok with that even though you think i’m just weird enough to make it work, hope you feel better ty, don’t play with your locket, ali, it will fall off, don’t forget to check out the new strongbad, tony, and dev, i’m still proud of you over the weekend incident.
over and out,
mom