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for the kids….
check out Strongbad
mom

“Zaftig: a Yiddish word meaning ripe or luscious and is commonly applied to curvaceous women.”

Taken from the front inside cover of the book ZAFTIG, THE CASE FOR CURVES by Edward St. Paige, author of many other books. some of which are examinations of various aspects of our social history.

I love this book. It contains so many wonderful paintings, drawings and quotes that show how the female form is beautiful and touches on how sometimes ‘larger and curvier’ is considered more feminine, fertile and preferable. The pages are filled with gorgeous women that posed for famous painters like Rembrandt, Diego Rivera, Renoir, Picasso and Lord Leighton who did one of my favorite paintings on page 50 called ‘Flaming June’. I think I saw it for the first time at the Getty in L.A. a few years ago although I could be wrong…I’ve been to many galleries over the years. In any case, I remember the impact it had on me. The color and figure in it are amazing and move me.

I quoted a couple of lines the other day in my blog. Here are a few more I love.

From page 134,

Fatness at it’s best is associated with moistness, fertility and kindness (a sociable and giving nature) as well as with happiness, vitality and bodily health in general. People know that drinks and warm moist, cooked food can fatten them, while cold rice, overnight food (leftovers), and dryers such as store-bought crackers usually cannot. Fatness connotes fullness and juicy ripeness, like that of ripe fruit well sweet and soon to burst.

Lisa J. Sobo describing the Jamaican feminine ideal from Many Mirrors, 1994

From page 138,

She was very beautiful, even though her status as a singer was only second-rate. All the same, he was more interested in her as a woman than as a singer. She certainly was desirable. Her folds of flesh and fat would warm a chilly man during the bitter cold of winters, which was at hand.

Naguib Mahfouz from Palace Walk, 1989

Today is 03, 03 of 03. That’s three threes which makes it my sister Rhoda’s favorite day. Ever. Period.

quick recap for the kids:
beauty is everywhere and in almost everything, be proud of who you are.
much love,
mom
ps. the new strongbad is WAY funny….don’t forget to look for the hidden stuff.

It’s the 28th. February is SO over.
Things I did recently:
went to a networking meeting
broke an expensive piece of art
sorry i broke it but not sorry that particular piece no longer lived
didn’t have to pay for it
decided to join that networking group
talked to a guy about showing paintings
he was the gallery owner
of the gallery
where I broke the expensive piece of art
bought a small piece of jewelry from him
bribe?
I don’t think he’s calling anytime soon
went to LA to pick up my kids
hung out at the mall for 4 hours
watched oodles of teens be cool at the mall on a Friday night
listened to Devon when the other kids were asleep
talked to much with advice on my tongue
tried to imitate the best grilled cheese sandwich I ever had
failed miserably, but unafraid to keep trying
paid my rent
paid my utilities
finished the basic rough draft of my first movie short film script
started my part-time job taking pictures of silk plants
surprised myself: my nails are now long enough to paint again
got an encouraging email from Laurie, someone I’d like to someday call a colleague. I mentioned her book a few months back.October 21, 2002

her comment:

Then I said to her: (this is almost like gossiping over the fence….)

laurie! your book was really awesome. thanx for the post. i just
submitted a column proposal to a local magazine. keep your toes
crossed for me. when will your next book be out? and…..i keep
this blog public so i guess that means you can read all you want to. i
don’t write the REALLY gross/personal stuff here. i’m saving
that for an expose book. 🙂

She replied with:

If that magazine even has one lick of sense, they’ll hire you. You
have such a great voice and a natural rhythm, and that’s so important. I
wanted to read more, but I felt like a peeping tom, I mean, I hadn’t
even been invited over!! Very rude. But I am very happy that you liked
the book, and the next one will be out in June. It’s called
Autobiography of a Fat Bride and it’s a lot better than Idiot Girls, I
think. Still a lot of cursing, less drinking though.

I’m happy to hear that you are pursuing writing, because I think
you should. And I’m not just saying that. I’ve seen plenty of shitty
writers in my day (I used to be an editor at a couple of magazines) and you
are not one of them. And do not give up, either, if this magazine sends
your stuff back, query another and just keep going. It took me almost 10
years to get Idiot Girls published, so I’ve been there.
Best of luck with everything, leah, and it was so nice hearing from
you!

Rock on, my sister,
laurie

It’s been a really good week.

quick recap for the kids:
i have fun hanging out and talking with you, i’ll never be able to listen to strongbad again without hearing all of you singing his ‘everybody to the limit’ song in my head, so good to be with you
mom

is amazing.

I’ve always been fascinated by/with it. I’ve drawn it more times than I could ever count. It’s by far the most interesting part of the human body to me even though I love all the parts and they all hold their own merit and interest for an artist.

After I was integrated, I wanted to get one more tattoo. One more to counter the others that pepper my body here and there. I wanted that last tattoo to symbolize my wholeness and well-being. I chose to get an eye symbol, turned on it’s side and surrounded by a tribal wave of controversy with the mandarin Chinese symbol for ‘me’ hanging off the side. I drew it. I knew where I wanted it. I knew why. But I didn’t know why I picked the symbols I picked or why they were important to me although they called out.

Last week, I got a letter from my brother. In it was an explanation of the Great Seal of the United States. The article says:

Reverse Side of the Great Seal (sometimes referred to the spiritual side)
* Eye
At the top of the pyramid is the Eye of Providence with the motto Annuit Coeptis (Latin for God has favored our undertakings).

I was curious. I found a few different variations on the name and meaning.

1st
Eye of Horus: clarity, truthfulness, wisdom. Horus was the falcon-headed solar and sky god from ancient Egypt. He is associated with vitality, health and regeneration. Horus was the son of Osiris and Isis. His right eye was white, and represented the sun, and his left eye was black, and represented the moon. According to Egyptian myth, Seth, Horus’s brother, killed Osiris. Horus fought Seth to avenge this death and lost his left eye in the fight. Thoth, the God of magic and the moon, used his powers to reassemble Horus’s eye. On presenting his eye to Osiris, Osiris experienced rebirth. The Eye of Horus symbolizes protection and the bringing of wisdom. The eye also symbolizes our ability to see with clarity and truthfulness.

2nd
The Eye of Horus (or ‘udjat’) became a powerful symbol in ancient Egypt. It was worn as an amulet to ensure good health and ward off sickness. The Eye of Horus is depicted as a human eye and eyebrow, decorated with the markings seen under the eyes of falcons since Horus had the head of a falcon. The right eye represented the sun and the left eye the moon…. The left eye is the origin of the pharmacist’s symbol for prescription, ‘Rx’ .

3rd
What better symbol than an eye to represent a watchful and vigilant, protective and loving, omniscient Creator? The human eye is a marvelous creation.

4th
The Divine Human Eye Your eyes are remarkable. They are actually extensions of your brain, and portal of entry for approximately 90% of all the information you receive in a lifetime. In the retina of each of your eyes are more than 125 million photoreceptors that perform the equivalent of ten billion calculations per second.

5th
The Eye of Horus symbol was used in funerary rites and decoration, as instructed in the Egyptian Book of the Dead. After 1200 BC, it was also used by the Egyptians to represent fractions, based on repeated division by two. The wounding of the left eye served as a mythical explanation of the phases of the moon, and its magical restoration meant that the left was usually the one used as an amulet and considered to be the ‘Eye of Horus’. The right eye is sometimes referred to as the ‘Eye of Ra’, the sun god, though often little distinction is made between the two eyes.

6th
Variations of the Eye of Horus are often encountered, a notable case being the all-seeing eye in the Great Seal of the United States. The reverse of the Great Seal is shown below, followed by a detail of the Eye symbol that completes the pyramid.

7th
definitions that go together
Light: the ability to see; understanding; wisdom; consciousness; is a luminance; part of lamp, fire, sun; can be ray, reflection, shadow
Sun: life, vitality, spirit, father; male creativity; creative energy; the supreme god; is a celestial object; part of Sunday; can have light
Eye: “mirror of the soul”; consciousness; disease of ~ problems with the ability to perceive or view a situation, in fact, this is merely a symbol representing the capacity of human consciousness to see beyond the obvious, or perceive beyond the outwardly visible and tangible; to reach that inner source of life which is the font of divine energy and power.
Sitaram: This symbolism says that all human beings who use their discriminative powers, can, in the silence of their inner selves, seek the sanctuary of truth and purity. Despite this deep metaphysical meaning, the symbol of the third eye is often mistaken as the power to destroy.
In our multicultural presentation we have made use of the multicultural context of eyes. One might rightly ask, why eyes? It is because the eye is first and foremost a very symbolical organ. Eye symbols, charms and amulets are found all throughout the world. However this is not the only reason why we chose the eye as a symbol. The eye is what gives us information. It determines how we see the world, and to a large extent, how we experience reality. The eye says as much about the outer world, but it says just as much, if not more, about ourselves. An international proverb says that the eye is the mirror of the soul. And in a way, the “soul” or essence of humanity is what anthropologists continually seek, all this filtered through their very own eyes.

Here is my tattoo:

quick recap for the kids:
don’t get tattoos.
love, mom.

Still sick….1 week and counting.
Still seeing Joe….5 months and counting.
Joe still wants to hang out with me….miraculous.
Seeing the kids next weekend…..awesome.
Made music cd’s for my sister…..fun.
Submitted writing to a magazine….scary.
Queried 3 illustration jobs…..waiting.
Starting a part time job this week…..necessary.
Learning more about meditation……interesting.
Striving to find the religion in my soul……essential.
Exploring new things about myself….wonderful.
Went to LA with J. and looked at art….long over due.
Then went to Farmer’s Market: watched, smelled, experienced….truly enjoyable.
Finding time to read more…..timely.
Submitting loans this week…..vital.
Ate delicious venison steaks….tasty.
Spent great amounts of time with the toilet a few hours later…. … .. .
Picked up a digital camera and dvd player at a timeshare presentation….comical.
Went to church alone on Sunday for the 1st time ever.
Just for me.
Do I go to church just for me?
Yes.

quick recap for the kids:
stuff going on, always, i love you.
mom

I added two posts to craigslist.
They look like this:
Loan Consultant
and this:
Private Art Lessons

Good News: I haven’t smoked in about two weeks.
Bad News: My favorite sweatshirt might have to be put down.

Two new Quotes I like:

Bless your body always. Speak no word of condemnation about it.
Rebecca Beard, Everyman’s Search

I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones.
Walt Whitman, Leaves Of Grass,1855

I’ve decided that I really know very little. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I know stuff, but then I’m always brought back into focus sharply and abruptly. I am learning to be glad for all these learning opportunities that find their way into my life. After all, I wouldn’t be learning if it wasn’t for those things.

Sometimes I think I know what I’m doing with my life. And I try, try, try…..and buck the system and work hard and then I realize that what I’ve been trying to do isn’t really what I’m supposed to be doing at all. Or that what I’m placing so much importance on really isn’t the thing. Or what I’m so busy convincing myself that I don’t need or don’t need to do is really what I’m supposed to be doing/facing. But it sure takes a good conk on the head to make me see what’s what. Sometimes it takes repeated, continuos conks……

But all these things are good. And they help me. And I’m glad.

About 10 years ago I still didn’t know what a great support system my family could be. They are the same wonderful people they ever were: I’ve changed. As recently as a year ago I still wasn’t sure that God loved me and cared for me and directed my life. He’s still the same as He ever was: I’ve changed. Even about a month ago, I wasn’t sure I could do anything well enough to support myself. I still have the same skills I had before, but I’ve changed my thinking. And I’m looking for new opportunities to broaden my skill set and to sharpen the existing ones.

No, I haven’t started making enough money yet, but I will. And soon. And the more I do the things I’m supposed to do and stop trying to go in directions that aren’t open to me, the sooner it will happen.

But I don’t pretend to really know anything beyond a few simple truths.

Things like:

quick recap for the kids:

remember that just cuz i don’t know anything, doesn’t mean i know nothin’, God will bring you through, almost everything in this world is excess fluffy cotton candy……search out the real food….
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX (…more than you…….)
mom

…but I’m not.
But I thought about it for a few hours and actually wrote it out.
Star 100.7 , a local radio station in San Diego, is having an open submission contest for their next radio announcer. Everyone is invited to send in cassettes or vhs tapes and try out for the position of ‘Supermouth’. I entertained the idea because I think it would be great to have an outlet where you can speak your mind and people listen. On the other hand, it brings with it a lot of responsibility and possible backlash. I don’t know if I’m brave enough to be in charge of those two things.

I tried to come up with things about me that would set me apart from the other people sending in tapes and didn’t come up with anything.

Here’s what I wrote. Imagine me in front of a boombox and trying to sound as if i didn’t write it down first:

so….i was trying to think of what i could say on this tape to impress you people and having a super hard time and then it came to me….nothing. there is nothing extra ordinary about me. i’m pretty much just like everyone else that’s going to send in a tape. except they probly sent in vhs tapes and i’m so poor i had to steal this used cassette tape from one of my roommates. i think i might be able to swing a cd from my other roommate and then i could give you a photo of what i look like. in fact, i could probly give you 3 or 4 photos and then you could click fast from one to the other and then it might seem like i’m really talking….or something….

anyway….back to the point. i’m average and unspectacular. i have a failed marriage, an ex-husband and some kids. i’m 32 now. i had my first kid about 2 seconds before i turned 18 which is almost legal….and i guess the doctor forgot to turn me to the off switch because i had three more kids in about 5 years or so. good thing my kids are so great. it could have turned out bad….

ok…what else… i have a boyfriend now. that’s what people do these days….they get out of an almost 14 year marriage and swear they will never date or get married again and then about 2 weeks later they have a boyfriend. it’s so weird! i totally didn’t mean to. and i seriously don’t mean to make him like me. i’m not sure how that whole thing works. he tells me he loves me at the weirdest times. like for instance, this one time, one of the kids used the bathroom and the toilet clogged…you know how they flush it and watch the water rise…..and watch it….and watch it….and then when the water starts to hit the floor they scream, ‘mom! the toilet’s broken!’ and you have a choice….either sprint up the stairs, pull a muscle or trip or both and be sorry for the next week or take your time because you know it’s already all over the floor anyway. i just plan on throwing away a few towels…3 or 4….because there is no way i want to wash them and save them….so anyway…the toilet is acting up, i stride in , pick up the plunger and start mashing and plunging and in walks joe , my boyfriend. i glance over my shoulder at him and say hey and he has this look on his face…this look like…i didn’t know what…and then he says, ‘wow…i love you, leah.’ so i stop in mid-plunge and start laughing. but he’s totally serious! i’m perched over the toilet with crap water splashed on my forearms and he feels more in love with me. i’m not sure what that means….

another time we were driving back from a family get together with my family and i had to go to the bathroom. huh. this story is bathroom related as well….weird….anyway, there were about 15 people dancing in a line, waiting their turn to use the one stall and i’m thinkingÉ..hey…i don’t want to wait in that long line and even if i did i bet the bathroom looks like tigger jumped all over the seat and floor and splashed poop everywhere so why go through that? i’ll just go behind the dumpster. joe couldn’t believe it at first until i explained that if he stood and guarded me on one side and the dumpster was on the other then only about a third of the cars on the freeway would be able to see me. soÉ there i am, squatting and trying not to fall over, which is such a great pose, and there is joe with his back to me and guarding the left flank and i’m concentrating on not getting anything on my shoes and he says, ‘wow leah, i love you SO MUCH. you are SO COOL.

i heard the announcement for supermouth and that it was a one year contract with the station and i thought ‘right on!’ that’s so great for me…i’ve done lots of things for about a year. let’s see…..i was an artist for awhile….i still try and pretend i am one sometimes. maybe i’ll put some pictures of those paintings on the disk with my face for you to look at.
i took photos for awhile. i shot some great sunset’s around southern california….i know that’s so original….at one point i couldn’t decide if i wanted to be the photographer or the model….i took some shots of me that are entertaining….wanna see those, too? i can put them on the cd. me trying to model…well, they really aren’t that bad…it was a couple of years, about 2 truckloads of anti-depressants and 30….35…ok probly 40 pounds ago…but i just look silly.
i pretended to be a writer for about a year and wrote over 700 pages filled with words about me and my life…i’ll probly have to find a semi-unconscious publisher to print it….and then that begs the question who would read it….
i did web design. i was really bad at it.
my latest thing is loan consultant. i actually have my own 800 number where you can call and hear my ‘robot-machine’ voice as my kids call it. i had my boyfriend, who actually is great at web design, fix my sad attempt and now i have a cool website with a little picture of my head floating above a house…i think it makes me look like a disembodied goddess or something…but i really do like doing the loan thing…

you know…i like to sing…i sing all the time….really loud. i’m not good, really, but i figure if i sing with enough enthusiasm that my lack of talent shouldn’t matter so much…but then my daughter will cover her ears and start to cry…so…i don’t know if that counts against me or not…
but i am a huge fan of music…and singers….well, maybe not a huge fan of the singers…it’s not like i’d sleep outside in a ticket line in the rain for 3 days or anything…..just to go to a concert when i could just stay home and listen to the cd?
….but, i’ve written fan emails before! like, i just wrote one about 3 months ago to the john mayer fan site…and i’m sure that one sunday night when he is bored with nothing to do he’ll read it and realize how great i am and want to send me free concert tickets and a backstage pass….and he’ll probly call me up on stage during it….you never know….

but i really feel like there’s a connection between you guys and me….i mean, i’ve called you before and asked you to do things and you’ve always played any song i requested…..and then one time, a guy that answered the phone asked me if i’d like free dining gift certificates….for no reason…and i was all…well, sure! i mean, who’s going to turn down free food? and then i forgot all about it because i’ve never really eaten at an ihop before…i’ve always been a denny’s girl…but then, like only 2 months later, this guy called me from the station and asked me if i remembered that i had those certificates and then told me he would send them to me since it looked like i wasn’t going to come in and pick them up anytime soon….i thought that was real sweet….

so, i was thinking, if you pick me, which i don’t know why you would since i don’t even like the way my voice sounds over the phone, let alone on the radio…on the other hand…this might be a great way to bug my ex-in-laws who like to pretend i don’t exist….
but anyway, if you picked me, i could maybe announce stuff, like, well…not the weather…i don’t really know anything about the weather…or sports…i mean, you could have me announce sports but it probly isn’t a good idea…but hey….if christina aguilera can sing phonetically in spanish, i guess i could do the same for sports…..

where i think i’d shine, though, is maybe a segment called ‘tips from leah’ and tell people things they shouldn’t do that i’ve done….like this: ‘hi. you’re listening to tips from leah. i once tried to make a casserole for my kids. i used most of the leftovers in the fridge. my kids refused to eat it, however, because it had beets, peaches and hamburger meat in it. The pastel pink color didn’t fly even though it was close to valentine’s day. don’t do that.’
how did that sound? i don’t know…some people might like it. it might stick.

anyway, i feel like i’ve been rambling for hours and i’d be real surprised to find out that you listened to this tape clear to the end. in fact, i think i should think up a code word and see if you know it if you call me. the code word is shnikes. i don’t think i spelled it right, but that doesn’t matter…i just have to hear you say it.

quick recap for the kids:
it was so great to have you this past weekend,i’m not going to try for the radio thing, hope you’re ok with that even though you think i’m just weird enough to make it work, hope you feel better ty, don’t play with your locket, ali, it will fall off, don’t forget to check out the new strongbad, tony, and dev, i’m still proud of you over the weekend incident.
over and out,
mom