• hard!!,  mental health

    Medication

    I’ve been tired. 14-16 hours of sleep a day tired. I thought it had to be my thyroid but those numbers came back perfect. Not just good – perfect. Which kind of leaves depression as the only culprit. The only thing is that I don’t feel particularly sad. I’m not weepy. I just have negative drive or something. Like sleeping sounds soooo much better than anything else. Ever. And it’s such a drain to do anything like go to the grocery store or put away the clothes. My arms are heavy. My brain is not sharp. I’m dull. My therapist says I need to go back to my shrink and…

  • hard!!,  mental health,  tv

    Celebrity Rehab

    My latest television obsession is Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. It’s like watching Surreal Life and Intervention at the same time. The celebrities are mostly washed-up as far as stardom goes but most seem to really want to make a change in their life. The exception being Jeff Conaway whose slurred mumblings, seizures, DTs and vomiting spells STILL don’t create the fire under his seat to want to change. Also, the Baldwin brother drives me batty with all his creepy ‘I’m the therapist, too’ talk and guilt trips he tries to put on other people. It’s obvious he’s been to a lot of therapy and he knows how to talk…

  • mental health

    Every Day I Write The Book

    It’s so hard to write right now. I’m doing boring things like going to therapy and working on my feelings. I thought about slapping up another photo and calling it a day but then I thought I’d push myself and just see what happens. I go to therapy every other week. This week we talked about creating some kind of schedule for myself. One of my goals is to get a job and contribute more consistently financially to my partnership but right now, the mere thought of having a job kind of makes me panic. Mostly because I’m currently sleeping about 14 hours per day. My thyroid medication needs to…

  • flawed but authentic,  mental health,  schwag

    The News Fit To Snooze

    Today I went to Costco for the first time in about 4 years. I’d forgotten the sheer magnitude of stuff that resides inside. And it reminded me of the movie Idiocracy and how they portray the future. We got a pizza. Let me preface my next comment by saying I don’t care for pizza. I’ve had lots of bad pizza in my life. Every so often a pizza will look good and I’ll think – Hey! I wouldn’t mind eating some pizza right now! – and I surprise myself when that happens. But anyway, we got one of the huge Costco pizzas and I was decidedly looking forward to it.…

  • hard!!,  mental health

    Always Me

    I feel the need to rove. To travel. To roam the planet. I’ve had these feelings before and I’m sure I’ll get them again. Over and over again. It’s an itch under my skin that I just can’t get to because my fingernails are too short or my arms aren’t long enough to reach. I want to go to Paris. Or down the street. Back to see my parents or my sister. I want to go to the beach and the movies and walk the rows at Target. Remember when you used to drive down the freeway with the radio turned up and your favorite song playing and you’d look…

  • mental health,  nothin' much

    In No Particular Order

    >We have friends coming this weekend. Yippee! >I hope everyone knows how much I love my kids and my last entry was not supposed to mean otherwise. >My ex did mention he was looking for work to me before my son mentioned it. It was the ‘far away’ part and the ‘back where I used to live’ part that got to me. >Need some design work done? Ask me. >I vote the weekend starts tonight. >The word ‘autumnal’ makes me very happy. I say it over and over like a mantra. >The Crazy is ebbing and flowing. >I feel confined in a box. A smaller box than I used to…

  • mental health,  real estate

    Crazy 2.0

    When I wrote my oh-so-very desperate and angsty entry a few weeks back, it would be fair to say that my mind was not functioning on all cylinders. It would also be fair to say that today I’m functioning on a little more than half and that is a nice improvement. I wasn’t thinking beyond anything when I wrote it. What I mean to say is, whatever aftermath might occur was not even on my mind a tiny bit. Within 24 hours, I realized that there might be some kind of backlash, and that realization was mostly due to my husband bringing up the possibility. But I decided to not…

  • hard!!,  mental health,  realmental,  that joe,  thyroid

    Accepting Hell

    So, this is it? Really? I can’t quite believe it. I keep asking myself over and over…is this it? There have been a few days where I got really close to replying to that question with, ‘No, this will not be it.’ and it’s those days that are the worst, as I look for a way out. The past few months have been insane. Literally. I feel like such a failure as a mother. As a wife. As a proponent of mental health. As a human being. I’ve struggled so hard and fierce, using every, single muscle trying to hold on to reality and then given up, fallen back and…

  • mental health,  realmental

    RealMental.org

    For a very long time, I’ve wanted a place on the internet where I could talk about mental health issues with other people in an open and loving manner. I kept looking even though I couldn’t find it. My blog has served somewhat for this, but I talk about so many other things in here, that it’s just not quite the same thing. At Blogher, Jess and I started talking about a ‘project’ together. Something online. Somewhere we could talk about parenting issues and mental health issues and somewhere around the third time she said, ‘Leah? So, are you ready to do this?‘, I realized, Holy Cow. This is the…

  • hard!!,  kids,  mental health

    And Then What?

    Every morning I wake up, look myself straight in the mirror and tell myself in no uncertain terms that today, TODAY, I’m going to just keep going and keep doing and not spend a bunch of time getting lost in my head and crying about things I can’t control. Every morning I tell myself this and every day for the past week or so it makes no difference. I cry on and off anyway. Turns out I’m not that great at lying to myself on purpose, only inadvertently. Is it lying? When you don’t look or recognize the truth? When I made the decision to leave my first husband, it…

  • hard!!,  kids,  mental health

    Acceptance

    On Wednesday, the kids go back to their dad’s home. I get them back a few days later for about a week. It’s all even-steven around here this summer. And that will be my last week for a long time and we’ll be back to Wednesday after school ’til 9pm and three weekends out of four a month. At the beginning of the summer, I told the kids that we would try this half-and-half thing out. Just see how it goes. Just see if they like it. Just try it! You might like it! They reluctantly agreed. And I’ve been keeping an eye out for problems. Issues. What have yous.…

  • blessings,  gestation,  kids,  mental health,  that joe

    Somethin' Funky Up In Here

    After every time-consuming or effort-extracting event, I go through a letdown. I’m not sure if it’s organic, chemical, physical or psychological or probably a combination of them all, but it’s as if my body says, ‘Whew! Ok, let’s hibernate and possibly get sick for a bit!’ after which I cry for a few days and endure a cold or other illness. Is it possible I actually DO catch a cold or other illness? Or am I just incredibly spent and want to sleep so my body invents an ailment? Inquiring minds wanna know. Warning – this may be one of the most painful entries ever as far the segue goes.…