general,  that joe

Once Again

Yes. We’ve heard the pitter patter of tiny feet around here for the past few days. Very tiny feet. It was so funny and cute when we thought it was a lizard. OH-ho! Ho! Look! It’s a lizard! Our home is blessed and we’ll have no insects running around willy-nilly! Let’s set up a small bed in an empty matches box! I’ll make him a tiny quilt in case he gets cold! Good times.

Apparently, birdseed attracts rodents. Who knew? And our bird (with no name) is messy. I’ve had birds before that were messy and so I’m not surprised at the end of the day when there is a smattering of seeds and hulls on the carpet underneath the cage waiting for a good dustbustering. But I swear, this bird sticks his beak in the seed dish and just writhes his head back and forth. He looks like a dog exuberantly shaking his fur after a bath. Or me shaking my hair in the wind. He sometimes hits me over 6 feet away! Maybe he’s aiming. (Give me an effin name already, woman!) I’m making him a cage skirt toot sweet. He looks great in green.

In any case, these brazen mice that run the baseboard from the cage to the fireplace and up and out are not lacking for food. They dosey-do, do the soft-shoe and then tip their tiny hats in thanks as they leave. And then they party all night at their secret hangout at the top of the chimney getting drunk on zinfandel out of tiny thimbles and sharing a cheesepuff while talking about what terrible television we watch at our house. We’re completely uncultured.

Call me old or ornery or curmudgeonly (or sad since I wasn’t invited to the party) as you please but I’m sorry – no more mice in the house. Thank you.

But I did cry when the first little guy got stuck on the sticky strips. He squeaked. I cried. I called Joe and he walked me through the steps of putting him in the dumpster. (Which, seriously, I think I could have figured out. I’ve got a few ounces of common sense. But I tend to use My Man for these types of things. Does that make me weak? Look! A spider!)

I realize that the more humane way to deal with the mouse would have been to put him out of his misery, but I could not abide smashing him in any way shape or form. And I didn’t want to let him go because he would most likely just come down the chimney again and back into my rodent-free zone. And I didn’t have enough oil to pour on him anyway to remove him from the sticky strip. And if it’s hot tomorrow, won’t the oil on his fur just get really hot and crispy and make him a tasty fried snack for a bird, cat or snake? And that, in turn, would most likely make those animals ill. I can’t take all that responsibility.

And I am in denial because I’m imagining he found tiny broken toothpicks and was able to extricate himself like we would in quicksand, completely intact but with rumpled clothing and wacky hair. Immediately afterwards, he put on a freshly ironed Hawaiian shirt, wrapped the kerchief around his walking cane and took a train to Philly. He’ll soon be working as a bouncer in a bordello.

But, no! Instead, he is in a box with a bag tied around him in the dumpster. And all I can think about is The Secret of NIMH and how now I’m the really awful People who are evil and kill the mice.

I imagine I’ll get over it. Not going through the couch cushions looking for and vacuuming up tiny mice poopy-pellets every morning is going to help.


  • Fiona

    I live next to a field – we have mice. The best way is the snap-traps laced with peanut butter! It kills them – but it’s quick (less guilt)! I get my man to deal with them too. I set the traps – he clears them up!
    Good luck with it all!

  • Katie

    And she’s back folks! This post had me rolling. “There are no cats in America! . . . ” Yes, I realize this is not the Secret of NIMH, but An American Tail.

  • Tamara

    Oh man, I always feel so sad when I hear stories about mice stuck to a trap and then sent to their long slow death, but then I imagine what I would do if they were in my house and I get all brutal and forget about the sadness.

  • piglet

    omg, i do not do mice. just don’t do them. i’ll “do” a lot of things, but not mice. dear god just thinking about it freaks me out.

    maybe i should fly my killing cat there to help you out a bit. and, he’s totally gets along with birds so he wouldn’t bother yours, “what’s his name”.

  • flutterbyegirl72

    birdseed also breeds pantry moths. so do dog biscuits. i had to put all my dry goods (cake mixes, crackers, cookies, sugar, etc.) in the freezer until i got that infestation under control. it’s been months and i still see moths from time to time. they just won’t die!!

  • ozma

    I never got over the mice unfortunately. But I’m a bit crazy. I still have flashbacks and there are many Disney movies I cannot watch.

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