Dear Leah Peah,

I watched Medium last night. Did you know it was back on? And Heroes, your Beloved, is off for a long few more weeks. I bet you are dying.
You watch too much tv. It’s rotting your brain.

Signed,
Anon.

Dearest Anon,

So nice to hear from you, Sunshine! I do so appreciate you keeping tabs on my television watching. Alas, you are a few weeks behind. I haven’t had time to watch anything, as my domestic handiwork has taken over. And yes, I was aware that Heroes was off and would continue to be off for a few more weeks. *sigh* But I’m never too busy to hear your updates and I thank you so much for thinking of me, Toots.

Although I had general aches and pains and flu like symptoms immediately following Christmas (it was NOT the fruit cake!!), I can’t image why you think I’m dying, Muffin. Who said that? Cousin Sally?? She’s always hoping she’ll outlive me for the inheritance but I’ve had my eye on that antique thimble set ever since I found out Great Gramma Thistle used it to darn President Eisenhower’s socks. I’m due, dammit! I’m due at least one happiness in this life.

Your gentle coaching and non-judgmental admonishment has shown me the error of my ways. From henceforth and ever more, I shall watch only Ellen in the afternoon three times a week. And never on a religious holiday.

Toodles,
Yours Truly

L.P.D. (Ed. Note: I’m assuming the D is for Dearest? Or is it Diarrhea? I’m not apposed. It happens.)

I just wanna say you rock. I read you. I like you. And I’m going a keep on reading you no matter what anyone says because you rock.

Anyways, that’s more than I said for a long time so I guess I’m done.

Rock on.
Don

Dearest Donald, (can I call you Donald?)

I’m so happy to hear that you read me and that you like me. The feeling is mutual. I’m going to reread this sweet letter each evening before retiring to my damask covered boudoir with tassel trimmings.

You mention that conversation may be one of your struggles. Forgive my boldness but I notice you have an affinity of the geological type. Have you considered going into that area as a means to stimulating a friendly conversation?

For example: ‘The Cenozoic Era seems to be my favorite as it was teeming with new life including flying animals and flowering plants. I find I prefer it to the Paleozoic, which was basically a bunch of slimy reptiles running around willy-nilly in a much less pretty fashion.’ This just might win you friends and influence people but I leave it to you to carve out the particulars.

Sincerely,
LP and yes, D (although not since I got over the fruitcake.)

PS. I’m not sure whom these ‘other people’ are that you allude to, but not being swayed by peer pressure is an admirable quality. I commend you for it.
PPS. If you want to tell me who it is, I’ll keep it a secret.
PPPS. Just kidding. Don’t tell me.
PPPPS. You can if you want.

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2 Comments

  1. damn leah, you get ALL the good emails!! angry, spiteful emails are especially fun for me. altho, i’ve only gotten one or two and they were from someone who knows someone i know so not really valid.

    the first email… it amazes me that people can make that shit up from their own brains. maybe b/c i’m watching too much tv and i suffering from rotted brain.

    the second email… i guess you missed that huge picture of you on the cover of time magazine (most likely you were knitting your hands off) with the headline “don’t read leahpeah.”

    i too will keep reading you no matter what i read on time magazine 🙂

    xoxo

  2. if it wasn’t for me being afraid of getting dooced, i’d totally unlock my journal in hopes i could get such interesting emails as you bloggers do.

    this is really gold star material, i hope you know.

    🙂

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