Three men, British accents, standing in line in front of me and waiting to check into the flight, speaking with much more passion and exuberance than my day calls for:
1: “No way! No one’s done what we have. No one!”
2: “I’d like to see them put themselves in that situation and survive!”
3: “You think it’s all that impressive, do you? That’s a little sad, really.”
1: “I don’t need this! (pause) You’ve obviously already forgotten Saturday, pallie.”
Same gentlemen in the airport eatery. It’s 7:45p and the only open seat is next to them on the long booth going along one wall. The table doesn’t move but I try to inch it closer to me anyway. My plane has been delayed indefinitely. I’m hungry and would like a beer. The waitress smiles at me and motions that she will come right over as she makes a path next to me and goes to a different table. Three times. By the time I order my nachos and get my beer, I’m getting a slight headache from the din. All these people with the intention to leave shortly yet stuck in place for the unforeseeable future. They are chatty, tired, on edge and colorful.
I lay my head back and decide to relax. Seven seconds later, realizing that relaxation is far, far away from my grasp, I get out my notebook and start to jot. On my left I hear
1: “…..if I can get her to fall in love with me.”
2: “She’ll see right through you.”
3: “Don’t you think you are too gay for that?”
1: “Only if I am really gay. (somber pause while they all take a drink) Am I gay?”
2: “Don’t say that too loud. I think you’ll spook our neighbor there. You sound lovelorn.”
3: “She’s writing furiously. She must be a restaurant reviewer.”
2: “Or is that a picture she’s drawing? Look, Pete, I think it’s you.”
1: “That’s a drawing of a Gothic square. Are you daft?”
Me: “I’m just doodling. It’s nothing, really. What I should draw are some nachos. I’m starving.” 8:35p and still no food.
3: “Yes. I noticed you had nothing in front of you. I would have offered some of our nachos but they seem to have disappeared.”
2: “I believe they are on the inside of Pete right this very second and wishing they could find a way out.”
Me: “Well, I think they will find a way out eventually.”
1: (hoot of laughter) “Now that is a charming thing to say to somebody!”
3: “And here I thought you were a restaurant reviewer! But you couldn’t be with that kind of cheeky mouth!”
2: “But really, what would a reviewer be doing in this place? This place called ‘The Home of the Haut Dog’ what with it being in the airport and all?”
1: “Well, I might have shared my chili but it’s too late now as well.”
3: “But not me bratwurst. No.” (shaking his head)
2: “Shall we motion the waitress for you and ask her what for?”
3: “Must you call her over here again? She sounds positively shocking. Like Jar Jar Binks!”
1: “Yes. Do you think you could be a dear and not want your food now? We’d like it much better to leave without the pleasure of her voice again.
Me: “Well, that’s nice! Here you’ve just finished your food without sharing and then ask me to not have mine because the waitress sounds like a science fiction character!”
2: “Yes, but Jar Jar Binks is a really horrendous character.”
3: “Yes. Everyone thinks so. In fact we call America the Land of Freedom Including the Right to Create a Terrible Movie Character.”