2 Unrelated Things

1. While driving to Office Depot to pick up some luxurious 32lb ivory Southworth paper for Christmas card making, I tuned the radio to what I thought was a local NPR station but turned out to be a Christian bible-thumping fest on the air. The topic? WWJD = What Would Jesus Drive. One man, with all sincerity, said that he knew that Jesus would only drive some kind of hybrid vehicle that gets more than 40 miles per gallon, since it is the best for the environment. A woman called in to ask why Jesus wants us to have so many dang kids if He wants us to drive hybrids that don’t seat more than 2 or 3 max and what is she supposed to do now? Just leave a couple of the kids at home? The gentleman answered: “Well, that is just one of those mysteries. And everyone has to do the best they can.” My thought: why would Jesus drive anything? Can’t He fly?

2. At the store, where everyone within a 5 mile radius had also decided they needed supplies from Office Depot and had worked out their schedules so that their trip and my trip coincided, I stood near the lines and debated which one was going to be The One. I am a notorious Wrong Line Picker but it’s not from lack of forethought. I really study things out and try to make the right selection. I just suck at it. So my new system is to find the line that I think is The One and then pick another one that I think couldn’t possibly be it. So, as I stood deliberating, a woman and her friend came up behind me. I thought I would just stand where I was, kind of like they do at Fry’s *, and go to the line that was moving the fastest when it became clear to me. The woman, out of breath and busily talking to her friend, bumped me with her cart, did not say sorry, but moved the cart to the side and then asked, “Which line are you in?”
“I’m in all of them. I’m waiting to see which one opens up and then go there.”
“What?” she asked.
“Are you kidding me?” asked her friend.
“No. I’m serious. If we just wait to see which one opens up, then we can all avoid waiting in long lines behind someone that needs a price check or something.”
By this time, there were about 10 people behind us. One man nodded in agreement.
“Did she say she’s waiting in all of the lines at once?” the friend asked.
“Yes.” said the woman.
“Let’s go in that line over there.” said the friend and pointed to a line to the right. They proceeded to squish their cart around me, push me in the magazines, and go to wait behind the person with 18 different kinds of pens. “Effn Biotches!” I wanted to yell, yet held my tongue as the line was mixed and there were children present.
About the same time, I saw a man that was almost done with his purchase, and I went behind him. I paid for my paper and white board markers and started walking out the door. I passed by the two women, who were still waiting their turn, and smiled as the checker called over the intercom for a price check.
As the automatic door slid open and a blast of outside air hit my cheeks, I looked over my shoulder to see that the line I had created by the magazines had held and there would be many people thanking me tonight for a quicker trip through the checkout at Office Depot. But there would be two angry women cursing my name for the hex I threw upon them and their shopping for the rest of the Christmas season.
The end.

*Fry’s has one of the saddest websites I have ever seen. I thought at first that it was a fake site or someone trying to capitalize on the name what with the prominent billing for DIAL UP SERVICE. WTF? And then I realized that no – this is their website. Holy hell! Someone call their marketing department. Joe and I will do their website upgrade for a discount.